Nothing new.
I see a few things that I keep to myself.
Other things, call it social masterbating, whatever, I feel like saying what is on my mind.
It really revolves around the idea of philosophy, beliefs, maturity, and level of intelligence.
It starts with judgement and emotion.
Different people act and react with different personalities and characteristics from there.
People usually don't consider themselves emotional. The most arrogant will proclaim only their own intelligence.
I feel mostly disgusted by a lot of things.
I guess that I feel I'm in the dessert too long and I need at least another mirage to get me by.
Of course mirages really don't do, but it is at least a distraction of a more happy thought.
If I saw Maggie correctly, I still feel very misunderstood by her.
I guess I'm just tired of having to constantly stand my ground. Not just with her, but with loads of other people. I have not yet found a new crowd to fit in with, yet there are still dingleberries in the matrix. Its as if there is some level of care, but its not even a conversational or real friendship.
Some relationships (nonromantic) with people are hard to describe. There is a potential of renewal one day, but right now, I just don't have anything left in me to care.
I saw one guy I had a crush on awhile ago. It has been so long, I really don't care whatever it was he said that must have pissed me off.
It is a different kind of norm that I feel uncomfortable in adjusting to.
He is the type of guy that likes to be pursued by women. We're both twins on this matter (men in my case). I guess I could be more picky in how I like to be pursued, but I could be wrong.
Anyway, he is a guy I could see myself being in a relationship with if he had a different way.
In thinking of him, I reflect in general at past flings I have had. I feel I did speak the truth, but times have changed since I first moved back in MD in 07. I feel slightly embarassed for somethings I say actually. I still wish I had a friend or buddy I could talk to about other people. I need a secondary source of conversation sometimes. Even though I have been on my own for quite sometime, I still hate the feeling of sometimes feeling trapped and left to keep everything to myself.
The thought of being with him, like all of the other guys, I hate the idea of feeling I have to try so hard to keep a man around. I appreciate his honesty, but at the same time, I hate the idea of always being the pursuer. I hate the feeling of constant onesidedness and chasing. It almost makes me feel like a beggar and I eventually feel unattractive and a little less confident. Even if he enjoyed my company, if he enjoyed me enough, he would make a mutual effort.
It would be something new to try, but I feel I already know myself on this matter. I feel I already predict I would be unsatisfied and no different in the end.
