Talking You Ear Off

Am I really? As I write this; I have a feeling that I might as well just keep talking to a brick wall. I've been writing blogs for years. It is the only thing I feel I can do in my defenselessness sometimes. Other times, when I still have things I could write about, I just don't and give up on trying to reach people who always play deaf, dead, or dumb. Today, I feel like chancing myself more. I've tried to reach Bollywood men before and it is so depressing trying to reach you and establish some things I've always tried to establish and have to resay some things I've already said..... Ok, so it is a combination of your Bollywood conversation and the same outlook and rehash... So, you say you are being safe with me as much as you can. NO YOU AREN'T. I appreciate that you would care about safety with me and will dodge being compulsive and a thrill seeker, but what you think you could be safe and what I think could be safe obviously are two different things. Through the years I have grown very casual and desensitized with Bollywood but that doesn't take away the danger of it. You don't know how it feels to be isolated and alone in wonder the way I do. You don't get the instant degradation you make me feel from the start with the unfairness and disadvantage that YOU put me in. I have several different trail to go down: 1. The devils advocate. I really can understand to a decent extent why some relationships have to be secret. When we only want to be each others focal points we do. I don't know the level of disrespect you could face on a day to day basis, but I understand how it feels to be interrupted, for someone to stand in my way, for someone to take control of a relationship or situation. People do intentionally mean to insult me as being stupid or harass me with an intentional will to make me feel molested. Sometimes it is as if other people were a butt end of my joke in an arbitrage where I really was minding my own business and I was being reframed in my blindside as if I was going to control it all.. Anyway, how can the relationship grow and be a little more deeper when others want to stand in the way and be the dominate? It is such a disrespectful, insulting, and rude way some people with no common sense can act.... 2. HOWEVER, I just can't trust you enough with the paranormal that it is. We are still not an official item. Rather than imaginary boyfriend, you are my imaginary husband, but pretty much like an imaginary boyfriend anyway. THERE IS NO REAL LEGITIMACY. THERE IS NO SENSE IN ANYTHING WHERE THERE IS NO LEGITIMACY. It is almost as if you would easily succumb to whatever person's whatever reason to blackmail the either of us. Pride and fearlessness just can't be denied. I hate a person's controlling threat in a blackmail to my fullest extent where I will be humiliated and failed time after time after time after time for 1000s of times because I hate a person's will to want to put me in fear and feel they deserve the worst right of control with blackmailing lies or truth. Sometimes I can be hard to understand with refusing to be blackmailed and refusing to be tested at the same time...….. 3. While I am letting myself go on you some and letting you in on me some, I'm still at odds with you. I just can't call you prissy rich boy poodle dog, but there is a connection and a need I really need from you: A greater sense of protection, safety, and respect. All too often I feel the most taken advantage of. I want you to know I'm glad I can do it for you and it really matters to me that I can. I'm glad you can do it for me too. I like the fantasy of us making sweet love together. While I more than mean to make some guys run and live in fear of being called a rapist, don't you dare get overly manipulative with me where I would lie to you and lead you on on purpose just to call you a rapist. I'm not denying at all that I want you. If I knew there were some certain circumstances that I was under with you, I would deny wanting you. It is not as hard as you make it, and it isn't as simple as some would make it in wanting to be quick to molest a woman when a guy stays way to deaf or dumb with no common sense in what some circumstances are. Right now, I can't strongly believe anything for or against you as a gangster. I don't know a strong enough belief or reason to deny you in some right senses. I want to keep you denied for being a Bollywood, and I do in some ways, but your seduction just gets too strong on me. You have a resilience I don't understand and I hope it isn't that you are using someone's violence and rejection to look at me with "you are so bull dozed that I just might as well take you like taking candy from a baby." I wish I knew a better way to word what I'm trying to say because it just doesn't sound right....... 5. Baby, I really have been in a lot of long term pain that makes me angrier sometimes more than others. I'm too mad and too proud to be too embarrassed over the damaged woman I am. I have some embarrassment and I sit there and wonder "why me?" "why am I so extremely and violently hated on? Why do I get so violently and terribly mistreated the way I do?" And, I don't want to be fixated on my pain but need a man I can trust and who will make me feel some kind of protection...………….. 6. A denial that I can't handle: when someone doesn't understand what it means to be a stalker, intruder, or barbarian. When an intruder wants to compare me to their self when I know I have always had and deserved the right to defend myself. When an intruder argues that they deserve to intrude, put me in bondage, or make me a basement slave; I have been terrorized and threatened with any of the above plenty of times and words just can't describe how it makes me feel when someone argues to say they deserve to have the right. It is straight up rape and murder to me in a lot of instances. You are technically an intruder of mine that I'm trying to work on and who does have me seduced and some small level of trust. What would you do if you were at home alone on your couch and watching tv or just doing something relaxing and minding your own business and a stranger or foe uninvited just barges into your house not even knocking on the door and acts like they own the house and you? They just kick their feet up, start asking or already knowing and demanding some of your very personal life like it was their business and something they should control? … I have people who live in a lot of deception and keep desperately wanting to take me for my worth with their bullshit drama and don't recognize at all the stalker and intruder they are? They have the worst sadistic way "what's wrong Sarah?" they have never added "did I invade your space? did I take your privacy? Did I intrude?" Their sadism is too vain and narcissistic to EVER EDMIT the intruder they are. whatever is wrong is what they say is wrong and I am whatever blow up doll they want to make of me. …. Just today I was blindsided and poked at with "Mary Ann" off of Gilligans island with someone looking over my shoulder, judging, and exploiting me with money problems. On msn with one instance just today. This is an instance that happens often and I don't even know who keeps acting like they have me owned and where it comes from half of the time. It is a constant terror to my face that I'm being intruded and exploited LIKE IT HAS NEVER BEEN A CRIME TO INTRUDE ME. In conversation with you, I'm lucky to have 3 bills covered with the skin of my teeth with today and tomorrow but I am an EXTREMELY PROVOKED WOMAN. I have several different kinds of chronic pain and it is no lie that I do want some murdered with just how seriously of a sexual offense and assault they are when they want to threaten me with their crackhead judgement and lies. It is no lie that I want to hack away and gun down some serious inferior dominant sex offenders that come and go time to time. Sometimes I am blind sided and other times it is Jon, Jim, or an occasional random guy...…….. 7. I'm talking your ear off and dumping a lot on you and I'm sad because I feel like I will always be talking in to air but I try to break out of the Stockholm and I try to get people in my life for real and I wish you would understand your Stockholm is not safe with me. I need you in my life.