As The Sarah Turns

Where do I begin?...... I think I'll talk about some of the VIPs first... lol ... When at my night job; I mostly see my job as an adult entertainer for what it is. I don't make a relationship out of any or every customer. Whatever has happened in my own sights or blindnesses, I personally see both Angelina and Brad as dear people. I really don't know how to react to Brad. I think I could take him as a friendly person who doesn't want me to be depressed or on the crazy depressed side. Maybe I'm naïve to either, or but I think they mean to be supportive of me. It's almost like they could get away with making me their "love child" the most lol haahhaahaaha but it's not that its that. Maybe they are the ones out to conquest me with their relationship idealism, and could be the most responsible people that I could yell at who want my conformity, but they have never appeared to be barbaric with their ideals..... Brad, seriously, the swinging/ open relationship lifestyle is something that I find to be very depressing, and I seriously do not want it to work in my life. Other than that, I really don't know what all I should know, or if there was another way to act or react, what I should be reactive for... Peace to you both..... The other VIP is Jack White. He's still on my mind, and I'm glad that he breaks in my mind on occasion. I'm stuck on him and crushing on him for now. I don't feel majorly led on or that he could want to be in a serious relationship. I'm just stuck on him for now and don't really want to keep an open mind to other men. I may eventually get over my crush, but I just wouldn't feel right in looking for another man. ... I think I have figured out Travis and maybe there is more of Travis to figure out, and while he still has a strong push and pull, I still can't give in to him. I can't be accepting with what he wants..............Zack, while I haven't seen the actual local Zack in awhile, he is still around and in my head. He's playing an extremely unsafe game with me and things have never been clear with the way he has started off on the wrong foot. Zack, I've already made a nigger and bastard out of David for the way he was keeping me played with Paris and several other women. I did not let him get away with it. I will not let you get away with it. Zack, I seriously do not trust you at all. I don't mean to lead you on. I am an obvious tease of a dancer, but I don't mean to lead you on. I got over you quickly after the first ordeal and plan on staying over you. There was never anything else established, and you are seriously off on the wrong and most distrusting foot.... As for David, I am still done. The Stockholm was never denied and I know I still can't deny a present one. Whatever David's problem is, he should seriously let go, give up on his Stockholm, and accept it for the serious break up it has been. I am keeping David denied. ..... and after appearing as such a player with these few men, maybe I will run them all off.

chit chat

Jack, ..... I just listened to the one song of the Cobra, and won't have the chance to listen to other songs by the band today. Are you underestimating my intelligence? If I still "dig" the song, that must mean I still have got the heat for David. lol. I'd be careful with the stupid tests too. So, I have been having some emotions against David, but I still see myself in the "getting over him" boat. Have you ever seen "Along came Polly?" You could kind of be my Polly. lol. Not an exact description. If David is throwing himself on me a backwards way with Ozzy and putting words in my mouth "apologizing to your mistress," that is all on David. You both seem to fight me in the head some and there is an unspeakable and taboo kill that would happen no matter which one I'd pick. Jack, maybe you are too catalyzed by some structures with certain whorish types of people be normalized. It's rock and roll baby. I still hate the fascism of it. I've lived with some extreme circumstances and pressures and more than I can handle at times but BUT, no. David may squeeze one or two more cries out of me, but I feel that I was so used to his pattern months ago, that I mostly got over him and never let myself have a full attachment. I'd believe that he and Gillian have had the biggest love affair going on. I know he's played me with several other women. I even told him after a few months in: my actions do not matter, even if I stayed the celibate that I have been, and not got into any relationships or sleeping around with other men, it wouldn't have mattered and he would have been the same cheater. I've already proved myself right several times. I hate being forced to stay in a relationship of that nature. I've known better than to be in relationships like that. He never cared about gaining my trust enough; he ever cared about me enough. He never understood just how big the issue of trust was and how it affected everything. Besides sexually cheating on me; I know he has never given me his vulnerability and probably did give it to Gillian and his ex. It doesn't matter now. I think its funny we could be looked at with "Grease." Hello you were my fascist match from the start. I did use the dead weather music to want to beat some people up. Another thing for me to fear would be a relationship that I never knew I had with you, but I just can't see you as Josh. You're a rocker who came from somewhere, picked me up, dolled me up, and rocked with me. I don't know how much of a doll I am to you. Just as with any other Draper, I would expect a normal conversation from you. I almost picked out a corset dress to doll myself up, but I thought it would have just been too much. I'd have made myself feel awkward with questionable lingerie attire. I still got myself a sexy party dress. I was wanting to tell you that I don't want you to feel too much pressure with the situation with David and I. I get uncomfortable if I make you feel too obligated. I'd still be upset if you weren't in Nashville and at one of the shows. Are you still touring with Beyoncé or are you in Nashville most of the time? I hope to see you, and a hintful question makes me believe you have some interest so it's not all oligation, but I don't want you to feel obligated. I could go to your record store, buy a t-shirt and I still know what I've done. Here's my sign. lol I hope you're well Jack. ttyl xo