Mind Management

It is mostly a bullshit title anyway. Sometimes, I feel so much better in being a quiet type of person and not thinking out loud or talking about anything. Like I've never made an emotional expression, but there are times that I feel more attractive and better-minded in just being quiet and minding my own in my nest. Sometimes, I get a lot of different anxieties at once or just one main strong anxiety. Being quiet and to myself doesn't always beat my anxiety. ... I'm going to get to one main line: Certain types of men. If I had to choose between a few different types of men without going into every category: straight, bisexual, or gay. A straight man would be my most prominent choice. It is like they don't exist anymore. A straight man is a man I would be most comfortable and naturally satisfied with. I'm just going to put my personal statement of preference out there. I've been made to feel ruined in many of kinds of ways where there will always be this feeling of blackmail to where nothing I prefer or care about will ever matter, but I still know my wants and preferences anyway. Some people do think tricks or deceptions can entirely get a person beat. I've obviously had a few bisexual men (mostly bollywood that I would know of) where I can't beat the blackmailed ruin but won't let my truth be played with. ... In a most discreet way, there are a few guys that have some of my attention and one I can fantasize of getting cozy with, but he still has reasons to be hesitant with or fear against. It is who he could look like. It is suffering through what could be terrible comments, assumptions, and peg squares, and drama that I won't want to take. I hate blindly putting that out there when I know I am being watched (by a kidnapping stalker that wants to rule) but the fear of someone's overassumptiveness and being pegged more outweighs other anxieties. .... I have a lot of different things on my mind. A boyfriend/husband would be the first person I would want to unload life on and grow old with. Years and years ago I had friends I could talk about a lot of things with. I know some gossip can go too far sometimes with some people. Men don't like the betrayal and it is good when they know they want to be put first, the first to know, the one who is let in more than anyone. It's not right when they are too possessive and get too blackmailing and controlling and disown you like you are a lesbian, but I'd rather be kidnapped by a possessive boyfriend than be a disowned lesbian either though neither corner are right. Most of the time I am disowned as just a lesbian or disowned as a bigomist which I have the most extreme violent swear words against. Some people seriously need to do a seriously harsh time in being forced to be had as extremely incapable or inadequate or be entirely a cut-throated, misunderstood, and pegged person. Besides men ruining theirself with their way of being possesive and controlling and pretty much forceful in wanting to corner me in being a lesbian, women can ruin friendships on their own. If they have already made it past some safeties where they are straight and aren't going to threaten my own personal sense of self; it is still almost impossible to feel I can make some effort in being a friend when in of humblest ways, I don't think they will ever find me trustworthy and I don't think I won't think they would ever be trustworthy enough. A lot can be over-confident cannibals and gossips. There is also a fear of worrying about my reputation and assumptions of being a lesbian. I've had other blackmails before on the other spectrum because I am alone AND I HATE A MAN FOR BLACKMAILING ME LIKE THAT AND HE RUINS HIS SELF WITH HIS OWN BLACKMAIL TO BE SO RUDE IN KEEPING A WOMAN QUESTIONED LIKE THAT OR ANY OTHER QUESTIONS. FUCKING 50 SHADES OF GRAY THAT MAKES A STOOGE WAY TO OVER CONFIDENT AND OVER ASSUMPTIVE THAT I'M INTO BEING INTERROGATED, POLICED, AND CANED AROUND LIKE THAT. ....It's just not always easy being alone sometimes. And this is not talk of going out, this is in all round-about terms. I remember the days I had lots of friends and there were hardly no fears or worries in the world in having friends. There are so many fears and worries to have friends that the weight of anxiety outweighs the anxiety in being alone. I'm not the most satisfied but more content when I am on my own and to myself. ... I had other random thoughts in my mind that I thought about talking about but they are so irrelevant to my thought of matter that I'll put it in a random blog another day....

The day my story is said my way

A fascist pig is beating me to death. Why does the story never get told the right way? Whoever is being my Gadaffi with forcing me on their leash and kicking me around and forcing my face in Stacy's shit like the shit was mine is beyond sadistic. They are Stacy's intentional fascist loyal liar and they know the rape they won't admit to letting their self get away with. The way people want to lie is cruel and mean. The way people want to force, question, and interrogate is so sick and cruel. Someone is raking on me with such a serious fascist pig terrorism. "I'm the one who needs to stop. I'm the one at fault or responsible for someone else's rape." (Story within a story that is the biggest question beggar: 2 years ago I got a ticket for missing a stop sign. The cop who pulled me over was a look alike of Stacy's. I believe this was another unmentioned repressed terror that I came across awhile ago. Leading into the story: Uber does background checks every year. This instance happened in 2018. I passed my 2019 background check. I failed my 2020 background check for missing a stop sign. Worse than obvious question beggar. Stacy would let herself have her authority; her way with me; her final say; her final judgment over my life in a heartbeat in any chance she could take. This is a fact I know. Someone lets Stacy get away with whatever authority, judgment, final say she would want to have almost as if it were a question she deserves to have some double jeopardy with, but in a most given fascist light: "Sarah I hate you, get battered." While they let their self with Stacy win anyway, I would guess the usual suspects were the ones behind the act but the Russian Gadaffi is still an unknown entity right now. If I were to make up my own karma, and outside country would release a serial criminal from prison, have a license to do whatever crimes they wanted me to do, while I just watched and shrugged my shoulders. If I really wanted to rub the salt in someone's wound, it would be "What? Did they really just do something wrong? Why are you so mad? Why are you so upset?" and if I really wanted to rub the salt in all the more "You are just so jealous of that criminal. More power to whatever bondage game the criminal and I want to make up out of your god awful jealousy and whatever reason you think you should be so mad about." I could make up some criminal acts and go into detail to try to enhance the effect, and words can't describe the frustration I have to the vain deafness there still really is in a lot of people. It's not even that every time a person asked if I was angry about something, that another person had the credit: the forceful phrase of being called angry at the wrong time is another type of robbery in itself. It is like people don't read in between the forceful lines of their credit. Anger and jealousy being confused is another robbery. And, wanting to have a person's jealousy so blackmailed, mistaken, or lied against as another jealousy is robbery. The arrogant child: "Don't you wish you were me? Don't you wish you had my rapist privilege's." And they go all out in saying how much their rape is their freedom of speech when they didn't see the robbing Gadaffi they were in keeping a person from their own personal freedom. … It costs close to 1000.00 a month to rent a lyft car besides the car loan I still pay on. My parents gave me their car I was going to do delivery calls with. I just payed for the tags and registration today and I know rent is going to be late again. Whether or not I pass the background check with some other delivery companies is something I have yet to discover. I hate being raped and beaten to death by a fascist pig. I hate that the pig wants to use his self to humiliate me with his sadism all the more: like his sadisms and faults are not there, his gadaffi is the only man alive; my hateful distaste against his Gadaffi fascist pig is why I should be forced into being a lesbian and molested for not understanding what it means to have an attraction to anyone. And, to this day the fascist pig has such a loud anger that nobody is attracted. I've never regretted to have never traded my singleness in to be coupled and a lesbian for a woman. I am 36- 4 years until I'm 40 and have never literally slept with a woman to this day.