Mind Management

It is mostly a bullshit title anyway. Sometimes, I feel so much better in being a quiet type of person and not thinking out loud or talking about anything. Like I've never made an emotional expression, but there are times that I feel more attractive and better-minded in just being quiet and minding my own in my nest. Sometimes, I get a lot of different anxieties at once or just one main strong anxiety. Being quiet and to myself doesn't always beat my anxiety. ... I'm going to get to one main line: Certain types of men. If I had to choose between a few different types of men without going into every category: straight, bisexual, or gay. A straight man would be my most prominent choice. It is like they don't exist anymore. A straight man is a man I would be most comfortable and naturally satisfied with. I'm just going to put my personal statement of preference out there. I've been made to feel ruined in many of kinds of ways where there will always be this feeling of blackmail to where nothing I prefer or care about will ever matter, but I still know my wants and preferences anyway. Some people do think tricks or deceptions can entirely get a person beat. I've obviously had a few bisexual men (mostly bollywood that I would know of) where I can't beat the blackmailed ruin but won't let my truth be played with. ... In a most discreet way, there are a few guys that have some of my attention and one I can fantasize of getting cozy with, but he still has reasons to be hesitant with or fear against. It is who he could look like. It is suffering through what could be terrible comments, assumptions, and peg squares, and drama that I won't want to take. I hate blindly putting that out there when I know I am being watched (by a kidnapping stalker that wants to rule) but the fear of someone's overassumptiveness and being pegged more outweighs other anxieties. .... I have a lot of different things on my mind. A boyfriend/husband would be the first person I would want to unload life on and grow old with. Years and years ago I had friends I could talk about a lot of things with. I know some gossip can go too far sometimes with some people. Men don't like the betrayal and it is good when they know they want to be put first, the first to know, the one who is let in more than anyone. It's not right when they are too possessive and get too blackmailing and controlling and disown you like you are a lesbian, but I'd rather be kidnapped by a possessive boyfriend than be a disowned lesbian either though neither corner are right. Most of the time I am disowned as just a lesbian or disowned as a bigomist which I have the most extreme violent swear words against. Some people seriously need to do a seriously harsh time in being forced to be had as extremely incapable or inadequate or be entirely a cut-throated, misunderstood, and pegged person. Besides men ruining theirself with their way of being possesive and controlling and pretty much forceful in wanting to corner me in being a lesbian, women can ruin friendships on their own. If they have already made it past some safeties where they are straight and aren't going to threaten my own personal sense of self; it is still almost impossible to feel I can make some effort in being a friend when in of humblest ways, I don't think they will ever find me trustworthy and I don't think I won't think they would ever be trustworthy enough. A lot can be over-confident cannibals and gossips. There is also a fear of worrying about my reputation and assumptions of being a lesbian. I've had other blackmails before on the other spectrum because I am alone AND I HATE A MAN FOR BLACKMAILING ME LIKE THAT AND HE RUINS HIS SELF WITH HIS OWN BLACKMAIL TO BE SO RUDE IN KEEPING A WOMAN QUESTIONED LIKE THAT OR ANY OTHER QUESTIONS. FUCKING 50 SHADES OF GRAY THAT MAKES A STOOGE WAY TO OVER CONFIDENT AND OVER ASSUMPTIVE THAT I'M INTO BEING INTERROGATED, POLICED, AND CANED AROUND LIKE THAT. ....It's just not always easy being alone sometimes. And this is not talk of going out, this is in all round-about terms. I remember the days I had lots of friends and there were hardly no fears or worries in the world in having friends. There are so many fears and worries to have friends that the weight of anxiety outweighs the anxiety in being alone. I'm not the most satisfied but more content when I am on my own and to myself. ... I had other random thoughts in my mind that I thought about talking about but they are so irrelevant to my thought of matter that I'll put it in a random blog another day....