Will you stop

(Not Random Thoughts) I see the beggar you are being on msn. You really are a painful beggar. This is a time where I hate feeling vulnerably naked in front of you, and believe it or not, your beggar makes it that much more painful. I want you to make a choice and make your mind up about me. I want you to stop being, indecisive, selfish, or gray. Right now, you're still all of the above. You don't understand how I feel when I have to scream the way I do. You don't know how embarrassed I feel with how my history has been. I still have my pride, but I know my own complications and emotions. I hate the daredevil you are with me. Will you stop being the daredevil and playing a dangerous game. If you know my history, stop testing me with it, and take me for my word at the serious hate I seriously have for people. I know you flirt with all kinds, and I don't understand why you would flirt or play games with some of my most serious enemies. I don't know what it is you expect me to do when you flirt. I can tell you still want me to keep playing the game, and I hate the way your game is played and the people you want me to feel equal to. I have never been guilty of being the nigger some people have been. I have never been guilty of being the rapist some people have been. I have never been guilty of lies, rigs, and corruption that some people have been. We obviously are of different religion and you don't understand how damaged and alone I already feel. And if you are expecting a relationship or me to see it as one, I still feel very alone in it. I feel like your battered bitch and I don't know how to resolve myself anymore. I already understand the trouble and damnation I've been in because of Jon, and I hate that he is staying persistent right now. And I have already figured out that wealthy men like you aren't structured to "He's just not that into you." I may not have you completely figured out in the head. While you know you are rich, I hate the pain I'm still in as to why my life is so damned and miserable. You will make it that way because you can. I hate the damned woman I am. I know my life should never be the way it is and I know I am not responsible for it. I know I was meant to live for more. I know I should have never been reduced to nothing. I know the capable person I am. Don't forget what a real reality I know I have to always use against you. Jon is the reason I feel like an indentured servant more than ever, and even though you may not want to be called Calvin or Hitler right now, don't think I'm naïve to think you wouldn't be one. unresolved.