Oh Canada

When violence begets violence what is the point? I guess writing about my rant is just for the purpose of my own peace of mind despite more consequences. I see the continued stalking tyrant my enemy is, and I wonder when they will ever realize the day as to why they have never and will never be successful, respected, or winning. I know I have blamed a lot of the shallow rapist Calvin tyranny on Jon. I still hate Jon to this day for his subjectification to lists of people. I hate the way some people just don't get the violent rapists they are and the way people would just intentionally want me to live with a violently breaking heart. I know I am the last person who should be violently dogged. However, it has been one DESPERATE contest after another. I hate being forced to lose to poor judgment and subjected or at the mercy of it. I have understood my anger for a long time and I will never forgive people for the jealous sore losers they are. YES I WILL CALL IT JEALOUSY AGAIN DESPITE ODDS OF VIOLENCE. I know some people are Gadhafi's. While some people believe in freedom and liberty like a saint, there are demons that will live to punish and kill those who disrespect and/or refuse their authority. While I know I have been lied about with "not being able to handle rejection," I know I'm not the guilty one. I am not the weak one. I hate the corruption, lies, and bullshit that has been constant because people don't know how to bite the bullet and accept when they are wrong. That is the jealousy. There is a difference between professionalism, taking time, and having integrity in keeping the truth protected, vs. corruption and being a sore loser. I know the terrible way some people have wanted to sell me out the shortest, and the rape that they get away with in judgment. I can tell some people have wanted me to live for my hate and amp up fire with fire. I really see myself as having the supermodel approach when it comes to judging someone: Don't judge, and one is to stay responsible over their own life. I will never forgive people for acting like they have me owned and testing me to their sense of supremacy. I will never forgive their nerve. I am happy to have bought the recent Oprah magazine, because I know she fights against codependency the most. On the cover she even had: "Be your own hero." It really is back to square one with Oprah though, because as much as I believe in independence, I know when I know I need to be rescued. The terror that entails is when having to deal with the way people want you to be helpless and vulnerable to the rescue challenge and having to deal with the people who feel they are worthy of being the rescuer. Some people just don't know how to respect liberty, freedom of choice, and independence enough. I continue to try to encourage myself against my self pity towards those who think they are worthy and press on for a better future.

Random Thoughts

Despite some drama and bad history, this past week has been alright. I had a good money making week and hope my luck stays up. It is still only the beginning of August, but I smell the fall season coming already and it seems like summer is already over. I'm glad it isn't over yet, because I still plan on taking Mitzi to the pool a little more before it is over. Picnics and maybe a simple mini vacation. ........... I've been thinking about crafting and the festivals that I have coming up this year. I'm excited about it. I still have a list of projects to do, but I'm happy to already have a good inventory. I also have more display ideas to try that I am excited about. I should have more space this year if my display organizing works out. I'm happy for both the shopping splurges and deals I had this summer as well.......... I am hoping to get one or two more marathons in before the winter season gets here. (I think there are some in the winter in November, and January) but I know my lungs and asthma can't handle it. I plan on one this weekend and then there are several more in the fall to choose from. Because of my stripper job and being on the go, it isn't always easy to manage both, but I am making myself do it anyway. There is still a lot on my mind and things to do, people to see, places to go, and things to plan. I hope all goes well until the rest of this year.

As The Sarah Turns

I haven't completely caught onto Dale, but I think he cares. I think he gives either a shit or a damn. He just doesn't make it clear enough if or when he fights to get me back...Nascar...I got the other clue who controls this arbitrage. I don't have anything to say to Jon right now. I doubt some guys know my real history; if they did, they would just know to not trust Jon and would be against his dominance and whatever he thinks or says. Recently, I don't think it is going to make a difference anyway whether or not to trust in Jon. I have no comment to make for Jon. I knew there would be some consequences to stripping. While he could look like he wants to comfort me with seeing my truth my way, I don't trust him at all. He is either going to go back into the same lying/loyalty/Gadaffi routine and hate me to death for refusing to be subjected to whatever idiot queen of his he wants to subject me to. (He really could be trying to say something else, but I really don't want to win.) He has already been guilty of some things and he knows what he has already made bad choices. He's not in it for love or my heart. Besides that, he's done too much damage already and I've known I deserve better. I don't know if I will ever have that choice. ... . Besides that is the obvious name of Austin D. Things still aren't clear with him, but I am very cool with the Red Hot Chili Peppers Michigan song. I'll have to dance to that the next time.

random thoughts

....................... There are some times when I wish I knew who was talking to me or who I am talking to, and times that I seriously don't care at all...... A lot of silence too.... I think if there was another song that could best describe my outlook of my love life it would still be Janet Jackson's "Someone to Call My Lover," I don't necessarily see myself as giving up on a few certain games going on; I'm just not going to be sold out on them. secrets secrets secrets......... I am a little fragile right now to know things, but sometimes, there isn't enough yet to know you know. The game goes on and I know I've never been good on games. Thus, me being single for most of my life. ...... I think about my personal Barilla sometimes, but there is this mutual cruelty where things are not going any further. I guess if he were to get aggressive on me and was nice, I could see myself cozying up with him, but I kind of gotten over him...... I feel blinded to a lot of things. I feel blinded in not understanding why some enemies would want to morbidly test me. I don't know what they are after or just why they are being that way... In a separate mind of thought, I feel blinded to a few other men who I think want me. Some are too quiet and/ or just take no action to show a serious intent or interest. I really haven't had my mind focused on the idea of being in a relationship, life just happens sometimes whether it works out or not...... While some secrets could be of question, I know I still have my secrets and what I think and keep to myself..... When life has been the way it has been, I just don't care about things sometimes. I don't always care about some pressures. ........... I just don't know what one guy is up to and I'm not 100% sure of what he really thinks, or could want to know... or what some other guys could be up to.......

Rahm

I really wish you were more talkative right now. Sometimes I don't always 100% trust info. Through TV, or even through my head..... Lets just say, while I appreciate your siding algebra in some ways, (Guy that looked like you against murderous John Kerry), how are you adding up with either siding or being against a number of other people. I know it seems "like I've never learned before," about a wolf in sheep's clothing. I can't stand being in angst. It would be murderous of you to expect me to watch "The Good Wife." No matter how much people would compare me as being similar, dissimilar, or DIS-similar, I am not their follower or inferior to their name. I hate the idea of being forced to watch or exposed to watch that show. What I'm getting at Rahm, if you already know that you know of the numbers of "NO, NO, NO's, I already said, IT REALLY IS MURDEROUS FOR YOU TO STAY PERSISTANT IN EITHER YOU WANTING ME TO EITHER BE THEIR LESBIAN OR CONCUBINE OR EVEN A RESPECTEDLY STRAIGHT CONQUEST. THE ENTIRE ARBITRAGE. While I really do know how to fashionably and even perfectly wear GUESS, Guess clothes, or no Guess clothes: it is of serious offense when I've never left anyone guessing, and you or someone like you refuses to take a serious answer seriously. I hate the way people would have the nerve to keep testing me with the same people (men and women) who I have seriously called nigger rapists. I need to know what your answers are Rahm. While there are plenty of ways that I hate being vulnerable, the last way I would choose in being vulnerable is being forced to be more exposed to the impossible and rapist vulchers who feel they are the ones who should still be making any decision for me or knowing the way your past truth and present people included in the arbitrage who want to make a sick dominate mark on me, and want to be cold-blooded die-hard atheist rapists and badger me to be a lesbian, accept slavery, or commit suicide. When you stay too quiet for too long, you put me in a very vulnerable position.