Random Thoughts: stupid technology

Too many frustrations today and I'm stalled by technology. I was better at technology many years back. Whether it is me being able to keep up with it or having out of date devices, it is a combination of one or the two. Whatever is the matter with my digital camera. It worked before on this same computer.... I thought one dating app was supposed to be free but it turns out both are going to cost money. The biggest expense I've made for the sake of my peace of mind was flying to Nashville just to go to hang out at the Third Man Records store a couple of days when I knew I was being endlessly chased in a Stockholm. A couple of years before it was Canada because I was also being driven insane in other instances over numerous deafened vanities. Right now, I'm so broke, and still too broke to date. I still haven't completed things around the house. I'm still not thrilled in taking more time out of my life for men I may never care to see again or care to see me again when I don't have enough personal "me" time or even time to get things done that I want to get done. I am a work-a-holic with not many other options. While I want to make plans to endeavor to my next peace of mind, it is something I don't have patience for, but now I am anxious to be more active in the online dating scene. I don't know which membership to pick; I'm not thrilled to pay to be a member; and I can't get my fucking digital camera to upload pictures into my computer, especially most recent pictures at that..... My heart breaks in both sadness and anger from time to time because I have never been pursued after and chased the right way EVER it seems. I'll have an occasional fling or so and be constantly stockholmed by someone's pimp(s) from time to time but just have never seemed to win in the game of love. I'll have time and occasions when I just want to scream at particular people in particular ways over the things they are responsible for and sometimes I do. There were things about Jon I was thinking of screaming at again "what part of your sadistic liar don't you think I understand?" It is another form of his chauvinism and wanting to subject me to his sense of respect and authority. He has always been one of my most provoking people of all. But my rage was more than my simple gossip. I'd have some satisfaction if I got to personally taser him from time to time when I'm experiencing my times of anger and rage. While Jon will always be stuck in his sadism, why does it seem some people found it so hard to reason with me? To recognize me and my truth? To come off of their sadism? To have any common sense and sincere will to show they care? To not keep me messed with in stockholms and regulations? To treat me to a far better decency? My heart breaks violently for myself. Nobody ever grew up or woke up for me. I have no other choice to give myself fragments of hope sometimes, but I just don't feel like making efforts of hope. It's too painful to keep getting disappointed in the same ways and then made to be vulnerable to the stalkers that always were that always want to molest me with their rules with "It's my fault. It's on me. It's what I get. They told me so." The terror it is to know there will always be a molesting stalker somewhere or another wanting to look over my shoulder. The obsessions and hates are sick. There is still some satisfaction and a kill to me staying single, yet they will always be desperate to have another joke on me. I hate that I even talk about the stalkers and stockholmers but when they stay the sick cut throat to my Canada, it angers me from time to time.