Random and Hard Thoughts

Life has been busy. Work has been hectic. This starting month has been a little rough but I hope I will make it through and be able to pay every last bill. I still have a fat amount that goes to student loans. I see some Bollywood signs that seem somewhat encouraging but I'm still not sure what to make of everything. Mike S. has been my recent Bollywood crush and I let myself crush on him some, but I'm still keeping my real world in focus. I'm honestly not motivated enough to seek and be in a serious relationship for any men right now. I am especially not motivated to be in any kind of relationship with any women. While I'm just not motivated enough, I havn't lost sight with some things that matter to me with what I want in a man. While I know not every man knows some of what my past perceptions have been, some of my sadistic predators do. I have been told to shove it, suck it, and be a follower to some different women or queens. Some violently hateful men have treated it as a requirement to personally have "a queen." I think any common sense man should have come along by now with "What the fuck was the problem with some men in your life and why did they have such a sick and forceful obsession with you being another woman's follower and having a queen?" Not that I want the man to have any interest or attraction to the sick sadists in my life; it is not a question I would ever submissively or mercifully ask. I would rather some men have an awareness and be offended with me rather than make it any thought or thought of question. I still have a thing against Chris Brown, but I will be attracted to his song, "Only." I'll be Nicki's follower to never be her or anyone else's follower. I still don't like all of her lines. It isn't that I would ever tell a bitch to "blow me," but independent women only. It varies with some men with making me feel more ignored than others.... Anyway what I DO like, obviously a man who is seriously that into me. I will see a man as having barbaric and jealous behavior to know he doesn't think highly of me but to still try to forcefully control me and go for me anyway. I hate that I have been approached by this type more often. I'm still mad at all the gangrape I've felt I had to go through over the past couple of years. I still have never stopped hating the totalitarian, barbaric, and forceful nature of some people.... While it is hard to put in words the type of personality I like, I would word it around I like a man who has a certain way of words and thinking. I know everyone gets lazy-minded from time to time, but I'm not attracted to someone who is always like that. I don't like a man who gossips too much or isn't cautious enough with what he is trying to say. It's ok to talk about some people sometimes but I don't like to feel embarrassed or put on the spot if a man does bash another way too much; is too judgemental; or too overassumptive. I know a lot of men who have thought they have had "class," but once I see how judgemental or overassumptive they are with no mind to accurate facts, call it class or not, it is still a turnoff. It's not even that I would want a man to barbarically grill a person either to get accurate facts. I hate when someone expresses Scottish "rites," on me and would be embarrassed if he had his Scottish "rites," against another. A man can still fight for me and defend my honor or truth, but do it with a good perfection.......I like a drug free man. I don't think there is always a bias as to whether or not a crackhead is judgemental, but if I had to choose between a crackhead who is not judgemental compared to a drugfree person who is. I might go with the crackhead. It really depends, but most likely I would be my own hypocrite and untrusting of the crackhead because they could blow a fuse and go into a rage at anytime. I shouldn't have talked about them, but judgmental men are one of my biggest turn offs. While I have come across some of the most random men and random stalkers; I have definitely come across some gangbangers. Because of what I have been through; I think a lot of men are low and I feel cursed to be forever single. In my experience, not many men fight to be trusted or to have my respect. They have always expected me to be at the butt end and if they can't have their dominant way with me, most will either leave me or have a stalking rapist attitude that just won't get that I won't give in. I've just never felt loved enough. It is always going to be worth it to me to either always be single, or worth it to me to wait for the man who makes me feel loved and valued enough. There is no settling for less. Other things I am looking for: the man has to have a natural penis. Whether or not the guy's dick is big or small; it has to be natural. No dick implants. I believe in unconditional love and I'm not shallow. I plan on having more kids. Whether or not I have a boy or girl, I want them to have that example already set and trail blazed. I want them to feel and know that they are loved and accepted by the ones that matter unconditionally........ One thing I know I have lost is that I couldn't trail blaze my work life without having been a stripper. It isn't that I would ever want to raise my daughter to be a stripper. I at least have a bachelor's degree as some kind of accomplishment..... In a different mind, although I don't have the 6 or 7 figures, I was able to still survive with my small boobs off of it. Whether I'm jinxing myself or not: I definitely make more than any other part time minimum wage job that was offered and although I know some people have wanted to ruin it for me in being a stripper, it is too late with the couple of years I already got in. I have already made more than the other jobs. I've already been able to make some other financial goals and accomplishments. Just because I don't make 6 or 7 digits doesn't mean my job is completely ruined. I got some things beat. Not in the way I wanted, but I got some of my problems and dilemmas beat. I'm jumping around in my mind a lot, but this is why I call this blog a random blog.