For the sake of

I havn't figured out what exact word I could use to end that phrase right now. ... I hate pushy blame games. I've been living in my own little world for a long time and become aware sometimes when it gets shaken a little. ... I can be very sophisticated and detailed when I want to be. Some people are definitely more terrible and terrorizing than others when it comes to wanting to have a certain amount of control and especially a large amount of control with no shame. There is one specific direction I could look at right now that seems a little edgy. Not everyone lives in the same world with the same rules and same games and I know that thought especially doesn't cross a man's mind that much as though everyone is on his same page and understands his whole world. No. I know it is typical of some people to shoot from one extreme to another if I would have an opinion or side on something. Just because I would root for James Brown's "It's a Man's World," song, doesn't mean I root for the most extreme chauvenism or control. I do dream of the day I can carry on a good conversation where some people wouldn't have an extreme or defensive approach with whatever could be on my mind: How dare I be the queen to my own castle in my own little world? I went on a separate trail than what I wanted but I vent a little to know there are several directions I could look where I'm blackmailed, threatened, missaid or lied against in some way or another. There are people who are on a mission to trap and hunt with their own rules, and most of the times, worst intelligence. I don't always think my sense of fairness out loud. I always know to myself what is fair to me. I don't always mock others out loud either but I know I mock other's fairness and possessiveness. I especially have a hard time in being defensive because it is usually further assumed that I am letting someone have their rule or way with me when I'm not on the same page... In my younger years I assumed more often that men meant to be more of a missionary than a hunter. Some don't care, others get enraged with jealousy that I would want to be rescued from something they didn't want me rescued from: Things that weren't understood, things I may never have seen or could get. ... I believe some men believe to be some kind of missionary from time to time in some ways or another although its not always the approach that I seek. There is a question of reason that remains and I've experienced many instances where I was never able to find out the reason to some things. There is a reason that I never knew.

Mind Management

It is mostly a bullshit title anyway. Sometimes, I feel so much better in being a quiet type of person and not thinking out loud or talking about anything. Like I've never made an emotional expression, but there are times that I feel more attractive and better-minded in just being quiet and minding my own in my nest. Sometimes, I get a lot of different anxieties at once or just one main strong anxiety. Being quiet and to myself doesn't always beat my anxiety. ... I'm going to get to one main line: Certain types of men. If I had to choose between a few different types of men without going into every category: straight, bisexual, or gay. A straight man would be my most prominent choice. It is like they don't exist anymore. A straight man is a man I would be most comfortable and naturally satisfied with. I'm just going to put my personal statement of preference out there. I've been made to feel ruined in many of kinds of ways where there will always be this feeling of blackmail to where nothing I prefer or care about will ever matter, but I still know my wants and preferences anyway. Some people do think tricks or deceptions can entirely get a person beat. I've obviously had a few bisexual men (mostly bollywood that I would know of) where I can't beat the blackmailed ruin but won't let my truth be played with. ... In a most discreet way, there are a few guys that have some of my attention and one I can fantasize of getting cozy with, but he still has reasons to be hesitant with or fear against. It is who he could look like. It is suffering through what could be terrible comments, assumptions, and peg squares, and drama that I won't want to take. I hate blindly putting that out there when I know I am being watched (by a kidnapping stalker that wants to rule) but the fear of someone's overassumptiveness and being pegged more outweighs other anxieties. .... I have a lot of different things on my mind. A boyfriend/husband would be the first person I would want to unload life on and grow old with. Years and years ago I had friends I could talk about a lot of things with. I know some gossip can go too far sometimes with some people. Men don't like the betrayal and it is good when they know they want to be put first, the first to know, the one who is let in more than anyone. It's not right when they are too possessive and get too blackmailing and controlling and disown you like you are a lesbian, but I'd rather be kidnapped by a possessive boyfriend than be a disowned lesbian either though neither corner are right. Most of the time I am disowned as just a lesbian or disowned as a bigomist which I have the most extreme violent swear words against. Some people seriously need to do a seriously harsh time in being forced to be had as extremely incapable or inadequate or be entirely a cut-throated, misunderstood, and pegged person. Besides men ruining theirself with their way of being possesive and controlling and pretty much forceful in wanting to corner me in being a lesbian, women can ruin friendships on their own. If they have already made it past some safeties where they are straight and aren't going to threaten my own personal sense of self; it is still almost impossible to feel I can make some effort in being a friend when in of humblest ways, I don't think they will ever find me trustworthy and I don't think I won't think they would ever be trustworthy enough. A lot can be over-confident cannibals and gossips. There is also a fear of worrying about my reputation and assumptions of being a lesbian. I've had other blackmails before on the other spectrum because I am alone AND I HATE A MAN FOR BLACKMAILING ME LIKE THAT AND HE RUINS HIS SELF WITH HIS OWN BLACKMAIL TO BE SO RUDE IN KEEPING A WOMAN QUESTIONED LIKE THAT OR ANY OTHER QUESTIONS. FUCKING 50 SHADES OF GRAY THAT MAKES A STOOGE WAY TO OVER CONFIDENT AND OVER ASSUMPTIVE THAT I'M INTO BEING INTERROGATED, POLICED, AND CANED AROUND LIKE THAT. ....It's just not always easy being alone sometimes. And this is not talk of going out, this is in all round-about terms. I remember the days I had lots of friends and there were hardly no fears or worries in the world in having friends. There are so many fears and worries to have friends that the weight of anxiety outweighs the anxiety in being alone. I'm not the most satisfied but more content when I am on my own and to myself. ... I had other random thoughts in my mind that I thought about talking about but they are so irrelevant to my thought of matter that I'll put it in a random blog another day....

The day my story is said my way

A fascist pig is beating me to death. Why does the story never get told the right way? Whoever is being my Gadaffi with forcing me on their leash and kicking me around and forcing my face in Stacy's shit like the shit was mine is beyond sadistic. They are Stacy's intentional fascist loyal liar and they know the rape they won't admit to letting their self get away with. The way people want to lie is cruel and mean. The way people want to force, question, and interrogate is so sick and cruel. Someone is raking on me with such a serious fascist pig terrorism. "I'm the one who needs to stop. I'm the one at fault or responsible for someone else's rape." (Story within a story that is the biggest question beggar: 2 years ago I got a ticket for missing a stop sign. The cop who pulled me over was a look alike of Stacy's. I believe this was another unmentioned repressed terror that I came across awhile ago. Leading into the story: Uber does background checks every year. This instance happened in 2018. I passed my 2019 background check. I failed my 2020 background check for missing a stop sign. Worse than obvious question beggar. Stacy would let herself have her authority; her way with me; her final say; her final judgment over my life in a heartbeat in any chance she could take. This is a fact I know. Someone lets Stacy get away with whatever authority, judgment, final say she would want to have almost as if it were a question she deserves to have some double jeopardy with, but in a most given fascist light: "Sarah I hate you, get battered." While they let their self with Stacy win anyway, I would guess the usual suspects were the ones behind the act but the Russian Gadaffi is still an unknown entity right now. If I were to make up my own karma, and outside country would release a serial criminal from prison, have a license to do whatever crimes they wanted me to do, while I just watched and shrugged my shoulders. If I really wanted to rub the salt in someone's wound, it would be "What? Did they really just do something wrong? Why are you so mad? Why are you so upset?" and if I really wanted to rub the salt in all the more "You are just so jealous of that criminal. More power to whatever bondage game the criminal and I want to make up out of your god awful jealousy and whatever reason you think you should be so mad about." I could make up some criminal acts and go into detail to try to enhance the effect, and words can't describe the frustration I have to the vain deafness there still really is in a lot of people. It's not even that every time a person asked if I was angry about something, that another person had the credit: the forceful phrase of being called angry at the wrong time is another type of robbery in itself. It is like people don't read in between the forceful lines of their credit. Anger and jealousy being confused is another robbery. And, wanting to have a person's jealousy so blackmailed, mistaken, or lied against as another jealousy is robbery. The arrogant child: "Don't you wish you were me? Don't you wish you had my rapist privilege's." And they go all out in saying how much their rape is their freedom of speech when they didn't see the robbing Gadaffi they were in keeping a person from their own personal freedom. … It costs close to 1000.00 a month to rent a lyft car besides the car loan I still pay on. My parents gave me their car I was going to do delivery calls with. I just payed for the tags and registration today and I know rent is going to be late again. Whether or not I pass the background check with some other delivery companies is something I have yet to discover. I hate being raped and beaten to death by a fascist pig. I hate that the pig wants to use his self to humiliate me with his sadism all the more: like his sadisms and faults are not there, his gadaffi is the only man alive; my hateful distaste against his Gadaffi fascist pig is why I should be forced into being a lesbian and molested for not understanding what it means to have an attraction to anyone. And, to this day the fascist pig has such a loud anger that nobody is attracted. I've never regretted to have never traded my singleness in to be coupled and a lesbian for a woman. I am 36- 4 years until I'm 40 and have never literally slept with a woman to this day.

Why Cindy Crawford Can't Save Me

There are 2 Cindy's I have come across in a more personal way than other Cindy's. The teacher I have met in person, Cindy Crawford through Bollywood. The teacher I had was from a long time ago. While I feel I have buried the hatchet with her in some ways, some things can never be forgotten. I know she has been talked about in Bollywood, but I've stayed quiet for a long time. She amongst other teachers were at a high level of an offense to me. They were cross-talkers, intruders, and even molesters in some instances. My time, money, and goals were wasted with their terrible education. It was a very big deal to me. Even after going to private school, I wasn't going to a community college for a second BS and AS for nothing. I can't regret the anger I had with the rights they gave their self. Cindy in particular had a particular punchline with me that I'm sure myself and anyone else can agree with. HOWEVER she was her own worst hypocrite with "You can't express a dominance you don't have." I agreed it was plain rape to do so. Although this teacher had another title or two, she still gave herself too much of a right with me. Besides her cross talking me it was like Maggie's Bollywood cross talking me in a worst unfair way too. I just can't regret the anger that I had. It is a short story but the punchline included in the short story "You can't express a dominance you don't have," is still a mantra on my end to this day. While I believe Cindy Crawford's Bollywood has the same anger with the teacher and I; she has the most obvious fame, fortune, and to the other ones it matters most: beauty contest. I know I had times of being mean to Cindy, but to feel flattered by her super model on occasion can feel somewhat flattering and life saving to an extent. Sometimes, when I get most angry because either a man or woman is being too arrogant or dominate against my truth and my respect or keeping my truth alone blackmailed, lied against, and subjected, or times I feel interrogated or molesting questioned, bossed around in any manner, BEING flattered with her fame and fortune can make me feel a little less alone. I know I've known some things on my own. While most accountabilities are too extremely low and inadequate, it matters some to know I'm not as buried alive although I feel like a blow up doll and buried alive no matter what I do. I don't believe in anarchy but I just hate when accountabilities are being fed. I cry over lying gossiping cancer yet I contradict myself when I fight for some kind of accountability to be had. It feels so molesting and like I'm always going to be some blow up doll some ways or another. Some chemo never seems to help because when you want to save yourself one way, you can't save yourself in another. I have had a long term anger against such piggish and controlling accountability and the ways people just don't or won't understand their actions for what they are and the unfairness they have. The ways people don't get how forceful the are and what is to account of that? The way I've already accounted myself as a sewer where all I know is shit and piss. … Taking Cindy Crawford on another personal level. She can't save me because she has some structure. I don't know the details of it, but the teacher's structure was definitely not fair. It's like everyone can be president. Its a fight of credibility and values that not everybody has the same eye to eye with or agree over what is valued. Some moments of people fighting tooth and nail of credibility are terrifying because you know what they are getting at with what they want to do with the credit. Values: What agendas come first? what rules? what stories? what matters? There is more to the control issue than just "you can't express a dominance you don't have." Part of my cancer is the way I have my mind made up and people want to switch to another subject or footage to want to control me with. I have suffered extremely poor Butch accountability when someone just has to have their way with me. The next speak of the devil is the way her daughter looks like Stacy and the obvious trap where I'm being set up to fail with Stacy's Butch bondage idiot. I don't even see myself as trapped by Cindy, but whether I have the choice or not to look like Cindy in the arbitrage, someone does want to put me under a bus and give Stacy an excuse to put her murderous rapey hands on me. It is a more competent way to make her my child, but what I want more than anything is to have the right to my restraining order against Stacy. I'm not primarily seeking to make her my embarrassed molested, I am seeking the most given justice. After the things she has done and other questionable things she has done in the arbitrage in putting my daughter's life on the line she should do years in jail at this point. She needs to be an embarrassed person for being an obsessive stalker and having wanted to be the judge and choice maker of my life and a restraining order. Of course she wouldn't need that once she has gone to jail. If I had the fair and rightful choice of my revenge, it is what Stacy needs to get. Get it in the mind and have that happen in life.

Lost in Space

It has been years since I've seen movies on a regular basis. I see one every so often. While I have had some fun in wonder and toying with the imaginations of whatever writers, some sure have an awful and very questionable imagination. I haven't liked all the movies and especially the ones I've been made to feel paranoid with. One thing I wish I had sometimes was a person who had all of the inside info and sat down and explained to me what everything was supposed to mean and help me make sense of things. Some story lines themselves I can't make sense of and the story lines aren't always made to be made sense of. When it comes to making it personal with me, I see some kind of Stockholm/ kidnapping in it where a person or writer is wanting to express some kind of dominance and cause me to be in some kind of fear or paranoia. I get just as mad at movie writers as I do just about anyone else when being stockholmed. Besides being in some danger of seeing a movie, I could be in more danger with having an actual person help me make sense of a movie, but as long as the person was on my side and said something to my benefit, I wouldn't mind someone explaining what a person's information was supposed to be. …. In more specific terms, the movie I watched last night with a new guy I'm seeing was "Replica" with Keanu Reeves. Amongst many other people and situations, I'm still isolated with Keanu and his arbitrage and whatever it is supposed to be, but I do not think Keanu likes me. I think he hates me while having some kind of attraction to me. Of course I can't explain this to my guy. I don't expect him to be a know-it-all with all of the movies and writers and have never expected any guy to, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel isolated and don't know how to make sense out of everything. I didn't like that the one little girl "Zoe," looked a lot like Mitzi in the movie. Am I being shown several different terrorisms at once? Am I the only person that gets some kind of terrorism is there? Why and how are people getting away with a message of terror like that? I just don't know how to make sense of it and besides it being a literal sci fi movie that is just made up, it's like someone's worst imagination keeps itself admonished anyway. Someone's savage cannibalism. Someone's worst imagination not just being seen by me, but by a large crowd who views it. What sense is there to make of everything?

Random Thoughts: Things going well, things going bad

I think I will start with the bad and get my most recent anger off my chest. Something I have already known: Some chauvinistic men are vengeful, wrathful, and there is nothing you can do to beat them or do about it. I hate the way I've had no other choice than to make a large number of enemies throughout the years. When I have no other choice, I have no other choice than to make an enemy. It wasn't that I ever wanted so many haters... Anyway, I was extremely scolded and yelled at when I went to Wal-Mart today and let Mitzi wait in the car. I mean I was yelled at and scolded to molestation. Whether or not he was intentionally being vengeful; I wouldn't be surprised if the woman he was with had a boob job. (I had yelled at Muir a few months ago because he was another sadist of a man who wasn't going to come off of wanting me to get a boob job. I've already had my several fits about it and it is just sick and mean with the way some men don't come off of me with my breast size and other piggish things. Because Muir was continuing to attack me; I threatened his paternity and questioned whoever he thought he could be as a dad and as a spouse. His expectations are not what I'm looking for in a man and child rearing. This is all an explanation of a prior story to this present story). I didn't look at the woman in the car with the guy in the Walmart parking lot at the time and I didn't think to look. While I have my own personal assertions and choices of life, it isn't that I mean to rip on a mom with a boob job so much. While I rip on the wife beating pig of a man the most, it's not to the assumption that I mean to be the woman's lesbian either. (I've just heard too much of the wife beating chauvinists and I know the way they typically think.) Anyway that's what the Walmart parking lot guy gets for scolding me with that severity: "a molested juvenile woman." If it was his intentional revenge "That's what you get for just not getting the fucking boob job you fucking fuck sack." I didn't even fight with him in this scene, whether or not he was provoked by my mostly expressionless silence, but he did escalate and even look like he was going to ram his truck into my car when leaving the lot. What do men expect when they act like a pig or put a woman in a corner in certain ways? You just can't win with a man who is always going to be a vengeful chauvinist. There are certain men I already know are like that and I will always be screaming in my silent disgust. ….. Now that the bad is over, there are at least some good things going on right now too. There are still other random bad things, but that first was a severe trip up to my sense of peace. Anyway, I finally got my tax return last week and it has brought a lot of relief in my life. I received more money than what was originally expected. It took longer, but I guess I can say it was worth the wait although I was strapped for cash a month prior and had no other choice than to ask my parents for money. I had my little shopping spree but it isn't entirely over. I'm taking it slow in spending and balancing out my bills and figuring out what I want to spend my money the most on. While the thought of going to Florida makes me a little uneasy, I still have a mindset on going to Florida and Disney World with Mitzi. We didn't go on vacation at all last year and really need one. The thought of not having to work as much and having extra money available was another nice thought too although there would be no nice vacation. … I also started with Zoosk. I'm still not entirely ready with enough time to start the dating scene, but things have started anyway. I have a little bit of a peace of mind. I kind of wish I would have chosen eharmony but I only signed on to Zoosk for a month so far. It isn't that bad. I think it is a little more superficial than eharmony. More than half of guys have a decent profile that says things about their self, but other guys are very brief and want their pictures to do all of the talking. I've only been using it a couple of days now, and unless a guy keeps his conversation going, I skip the ones who don't have much written in their profiles. … I finally got myself a garage I've been needing too. My final urge was over the bike I got Mitzi for her birthday. I definitely needed the storage for my crafts and other things. I don't want my apartment to look to junked up. It is another expense but not too much of an expense. I'll eventually get a bike to add on to it all too. I've yet to have the time to transfer the rest of my storage yet and I'm still anxious to teach Mitzi how to ride her bike without the training wheels. But finally getting a garage is a big deal in a good way. My refund has done some wonders. I finally get to decorate my apartment more too. I plan on ordering pictures after I'm done with this blog. good things bad things. I felt like sharing.

Random Thoughts: stupid technology

Too many frustrations today and I'm stalled by technology. I was better at technology many years back. Whether it is me being able to keep up with it or having out of date devices, it is a combination of one or the two. Whatever is the matter with my digital camera. It worked before on this same computer.... I thought one dating app was supposed to be free but it turns out both are going to cost money. The biggest expense I've made for the sake of my peace of mind was flying to Nashville just to go to hang out at the Third Man Records store a couple of days when I knew I was being endlessly chased in a Stockholm. A couple of years before it was Canada because I was also being driven insane in other instances over numerous deafened vanities. Right now, I'm so broke, and still too broke to date. I still haven't completed things around the house. I'm still not thrilled in taking more time out of my life for men I may never care to see again or care to see me again when I don't have enough personal "me" time or even time to get things done that I want to get done. I am a work-a-holic with not many other options. While I want to make plans to endeavor to my next peace of mind, it is something I don't have patience for, but now I am anxious to be more active in the online dating scene. I don't know which membership to pick; I'm not thrilled to pay to be a member; and I can't get my fucking digital camera to upload pictures into my computer, especially most recent pictures at that..... My heart breaks in both sadness and anger from time to time because I have never been pursued after and chased the right way EVER it seems. I'll have an occasional fling or so and be constantly stockholmed by someone's pimp(s) from time to time but just have never seemed to win in the game of love. I'll have time and occasions when I just want to scream at particular people in particular ways over the things they are responsible for and sometimes I do. There were things about Jon I was thinking of screaming at again "what part of your sadistic liar don't you think I understand?" It is another form of his chauvinism and wanting to subject me to his sense of respect and authority. He has always been one of my most provoking people of all. But my rage was more than my simple gossip. I'd have some satisfaction if I got to personally taser him from time to time when I'm experiencing my times of anger and rage. While Jon will always be stuck in his sadism, why does it seem some people found it so hard to reason with me? To recognize me and my truth? To come off of their sadism? To have any common sense and sincere will to show they care? To not keep me messed with in stockholms and regulations? To treat me to a far better decency? My heart breaks violently for myself. Nobody ever grew up or woke up for me. I have no other choice to give myself fragments of hope sometimes, but I just don't feel like making efforts of hope. It's too painful to keep getting disappointed in the same ways and then made to be vulnerable to the stalkers that always were that always want to molest me with their rules with "It's my fault. It's on me. It's what I get. They told me so." The terror it is to know there will always be a molesting stalker somewhere or another wanting to look over my shoulder. The obsessions and hates are sick. There is still some satisfaction and a kill to me staying single, yet they will always be desperate to have another joke on me. I hate that I even talk about the stalkers and stockholmers but when they stay the sick cut throat to my Canada, it angers me from time to time.