Lots of Random Thoughts

Such an anxious time of year. Too much to do with a lot of complications and anxiety. I am doing the same routine of sitting and looking pretty and knitting with my yarn balls, but sometimes, I don't always feel so pretty. I am a typical busy mom who doesn't even have a job yet and is overstressed and busy already. Some stresses will go away, but some remain which includes finding a job....... A lot of drama is up in the air. While I did run into a new man; he isn't putting me out of my misery enough. It was what was being said and his responsiveness that just feel I'm being lied to right now. I can't stand the way I feel lied to or left to wonder. If I never hear from him again, that is one way of knowing, but I'd rather him just put me out of my misery by being straightforward about it. I'm keeping him up in the air and there is other drama up in the air, and a lot of it, I don't have much to say..............I have several movies on my list yet to see and some of them I'm not too excited to see. I am seeing a loud signal coming from one of my enemies. I really do see Bob D'. as wanting to play cute with me with a predator/victim game. He's not even Ron! Bob D'. is Bilbo Baggins!, a harmless cute little man who just wants to sit back and smoke his pipe in the shire. Keep smoking your pipe Bob and avoid a history that has never happened. You deserve no consequences........... Bob, whatever your actions really are in the present time, YES, we are still enemies. Unless I'm somehow forced to seize your shire and make a showdown.....Bob, are you really on your shire? Bob are you somewhere in the hills or a bunker ready and waiting to shoot? Heck, you could catch me innocently playing along as a fellow hobbit smelling some flowers and shoot anyway and put any bull on me you want to. You know you and your gangster "hobbits" eventually will. This is what enemies sometimes do: avoid or deny a defiance until they can no more. I don't know how much your hobbit clock could affect my real clock Bob. You may fool others, but I'll never forget the times I have been wronged.......... Bob, if you want to live peacefully in your hobbit world, let us just hope I get a job soon, and I get one that will satisfy my real life demands enough. The original demands of MY practicality and reason. And you know what? If I did luck out and get a large wealth and money, I WOULD LET MYSELF HAVE IT. God bless me Bob.

Will you stop

(Not Random Thoughts) I see the beggar you are being on msn. You really are a painful beggar. This is a time where I hate feeling vulnerably naked in front of you, and believe it or not, your beggar makes it that much more painful. I want you to make a choice and make your mind up about me. I want you to stop being, indecisive, selfish, or gray. Right now, you're still all of the above. You don't understand how I feel when I have to scream the way I do. You don't know how embarrassed I feel with how my history has been. I still have my pride, but I know my own complications and emotions. I hate the daredevil you are with me. Will you stop being the daredevil and playing a dangerous game. If you know my history, stop testing me with it, and take me for my word at the serious hate I seriously have for people. I know you flirt with all kinds, and I don't understand why you would flirt or play games with some of my most serious enemies. I don't know what it is you expect me to do when you flirt. I can tell you still want me to keep playing the game, and I hate the way your game is played and the people you want me to feel equal to. I have never been guilty of being the nigger some people have been. I have never been guilty of being the rapist some people have been. I have never been guilty of lies, rigs, and corruption that some people have been. We obviously are of different religion and you don't understand how damaged and alone I already feel. And if you are expecting a relationship or me to see it as one, I still feel very alone in it. I feel like your battered bitch and I don't know how to resolve myself anymore. I already understand the trouble and damnation I've been in because of Jon, and I hate that he is staying persistent right now. And I have already figured out that wealthy men like you aren't structured to "He's just not that into you." I may not have you completely figured out in the head. While you know you are rich, I hate the pain I'm still in as to why my life is so damned and miserable. You will make it that way because you can. I hate the damned woman I am. I know my life should never be the way it is and I know I am not responsible for it. I know I was meant to live for more. I know I should have never been reduced to nothing. I know the capable person I am. Don't forget what a real reality I know I have to always use against you. Jon is the reason I feel like an indentured servant more than ever, and even though you may not want to be called Calvin or Hitler right now, don't think I'm naïve to think you wouldn't be one. unresolved.

Random Thoughts

I had fun last night. Probably couldn't see all the stories or what is going on with people, but really, it wasn't what I was out for. I was out to dance and party and look good while doing it. It felt good and I enjoyed the time that I had. The DJ's played some of my songs at least but not all..... Shopping shopping shopping. Of course when I get in another rut it is around the biggest season of the year. Fortunately, I will have enough to get some presents even if that means a lower savings account. The shopping has been fun though. Each time I go out; there is always more stuff to buy. The main thing I need now is a coat. .......Ha I'm already laughing at some people who are saying "damn you more," to me with the food bank. Kind of like to Mitzi: "Your mom is so poor that...." I havn't even gone to the foodbanks yet punks. And God bless the people who do go to the foodbanks. Punks making fun of poor people. How dare you try to control my finances either. I know your just jealous at how hot I looked last night and how dare a person of my own status pay a pretty penny on a dress and shoes to look pretty. How dare I look hot? Damn you! Ongoing "Pump It" song. AND I ALREADY PULLED IT OFF....SMALL BOOBS AND ALL....LOW MONEY AND ALL....CRACK FREE AND ALL.... to the people who savagely obsess over my boobs or pick fights with other damnations towards me.....I am seeing some info that it is Brittany that farmer man is with. He really didn't have me that much anyway, so it's not too much of a heartbreak. You did make me have a thing for you farmer man. But, you make it go sour. On to the next one...... Still haven't forgotten Barilla. Still open to other men.

Clocks clocks clocks

Well, I bet you like some of the shallowness...... I could tease you with your own song of clocks...... Do I want to stay shallow or this this an Olga Little Bottom challenge? Do you want me to stay shallow and just keep it as it is. confusion never stops. How dare I have a one night stand? How dare I and be responsible for all the arbitrage that comes with it... I am seeing some obvious people around who do make themselves the center of attention..... Of course there is more curiosity at all the guessing. I don't know what kind of marriage you are in and how your marriage really goes. I don't feel comfortable asking a lot of questions and what and how some what's really are..... I don't know who my baseball player is supposed to be; he looks like he could be two ppl. I consider myself an emotional mess right now. You know what? I have not seen Les Miserables, the new movie. I have seen an old version and read some of the book, but I did not watch Les Mis. And, in Moulan Rouge, while there is not the entire truth in my life, I feel some of the anger screaming out of me. I'm not taking the cold/cough I have too seriously, but I see some other signs right now and fuck the terrorism of it. Fuck people who are seriously psycho in playing terrorist games with fate. Maybe I'll somehow tattoo or superglue a diamond to my little bottom. That is right, piercings exist. lol. not being too serious about the symbolism either but it would be funny if my madness took me to the limit of getting a diamond piercing in my butt. Diamonds are a girls best friend. Not completely sure what is going on with Tom. It is so far short lived, but my heart is just there. I feel like I am trying to rip myself away but it is hard to accept the fact that I'm not over him. I question if I do hurt him and it hurts if I do (when I intentionally try) or don't hurt him (because I know its going to burn me more). It is like I can't move a muscle and I can't sit still at the same time. Am I seriously a top treasure of his or does he just want to torment me for his own reasons? (I know he can only be the one to answer that) Do you and him have some kind of rivalry or competition going on? How are we all being connected together? I still like Barella but unsure of the vibes. I have several interests at once and just don't know enough info.

Luther

ahahaha..... oh Tom, what a way to leave an open question and make me cry at the end anyway. Oh, I hate the clouds and the unknown. Your unknown may not be so negative. I am crying right now. Geez Tom? Could you sucker me in anymore????? I have no choice but to keep yielding to my doubts and keep an open door to you. I know the world turns and you could have changed your mind. Dream of you......sounds like the only option is to wait more.........Life has only and miserably seemed that way. Keep waiting and waiting and waiting....... Tom, I have a serious cry for help and the waiting period keeps getting more and more impossible. Although I feel so swept off my feet watching that movie, I feel we are on dangerous ground together. A lot of sci-fi questions for that movie to bring about. Looks like the real Tom died and a programmed matrix version of Tom came to her at the end. I am unsure of the entire arbitrage going on now. I know Luther is the king of lies. If YOU LOVE ME and don't LOVE ME NOT, I'm not understanding what the love and lies are and how you make sense of them. Vanilla Sky. I cry my eyes out each time I watch the movie. Just because I loved that movie so much doesn't mean I lived to stalk and obsess over you. I'm upset that you would judge and see me as a creeper like that. I guess if you push to get me on your bad side too much, feel free. ahahahhaha jk. Why don't you push me out the window aagain? Or get one of your gang rape buddies to? Not too seriously yet. You still havn't answered the question abut Jon and surgery and what your entire view is....... I can tell there are times I really am the center of someone's attention but am I the center of your attention that much? You make me second guess sometimes when I do see the stranger in you; or maybe you are an intentional tormenter. I don't want you to either be a tormenter or force yourself to be killed for me. If it is dangerous and deadly between you and I; I really don't want it to be. I want the happy ending and especially without Vicky Barcelona. Good movie and good thrills, story, and graphics. Good ending. Me, crybaby loves you Tom.

Keeping on Going

Yesterday was a pretty perfect day. Mitzi and I did it all. We went swimming, shopping, out to eat, and out at Friday after 5 to finish the day off listening to music. What a crowd it was there last night. An out of towner could have thought there was another festival. That was the first one Mitzi and I have gone to this summer.
I couldn't help but cringe a little at how much I had spent with shopping the past couple of days. It was worth it overall. I am making up for a lot of broke time. I went from skinny to pregnant to a little chubby to skinny again. I am back to the lowest weight I've weighed which is 120. I have had a steady amount of time weighing that. Sometimes I think I could lose another 5 or so pounds but I feel pretty good. The point of it all is that most of my clothes just don't fit, especially when it comes to pants. I finally got around to getting another pair of jeans and could still use another pair. I could use another pair of dress pants too, but that can wait. I found a lot of good deals, and am satisfied knowing the good shopper I am. There is still a lot on my to-do shopping list along with my regular overall to do list. The pain of trying to save and spend at the same time. oi.
The only one thing I can resent on slacking on for now is running. I'm not too much of a slacker. I just don't have time for the gym. I really had wanted to do at least 3 marathons and the season is still not over. I could load a couple up in August in September, but I liked the idea better of having some time span in between. I did plan on one this upcoming Friday but it just doesn't seem possible with such a busy schedule right now. I have a craft show the same week. I will eventually find more time to keep up with running.

Thoughts of the Day

I am mostly living on my own planet still. Planet life? Ok and not ok. I am more satisfied on my own planet than making a little more effort to try to settle/conform with others. I'm sure I'm not the only person who lives on my own planet and I give my own personal shout out to other people living on their own planet. While we are all our own aliens in our own way, screw the people who want to screw with and try to make us feel awkward with their alienation games. Pats on the back to all of us aliens.
If I have a Javier right now, I don't know who he is, and I'm still on my planet. A smile to the literal couple anyway.
A lot of thoughts are still about making money and finding a job. I am relieved that one job I have is being a little more flexible in that I can work part time hours if I want to. Am doing. There is another random job coming my way to find out about, but I don't know much about it now. I am back in the regular job search and job application world.
So much on my to-do list. I have a different crafting anxiety now, where I don't have as much production, nor the money nor time. I still have plenty of crafts left to sell, and am still making a few in the meantime. I am going to try 2 summer craft festivals this year, but spring/summer crafts havn't worked out much in the past. I was gearing to work more on the winter festival, but for a reason or another, I am going against some of my aim and not giving up on spring/summer season yet. I hope my gourds sell better this year, and depending on how the job situation works out next year, I might invest more in home decor and gardening. It really depends mostly on the job situation. I can't do it all. I really wish to have a better job.
Netflix. I have had the same movie for like 3 weeks and still yet have the time to watch it. I have been so busy. Because of so many things going on, I just have to wait some things out to organize my time.
It seems like there aren't as many marathons this year, and especially not during the times I think are more perfect to run. I don't know if I want to challenge myself to a 4 mile or not. I only have a certain amount of time. Because of how things have gone, I havn't gotten as many practice runs in as I had wanted to. I can still make it over 3 miles, but I just havn't been able to keep running that distance on a regular basis with the time I have.
So many things on my mind that come and go. There have been times where I think to myself that I could write a blog about whatever is on my mind; but when I do get online to write my occassional blog it has already been forgotten about. I'm already out of things to say. It is back to the regular Sunday. .....

Hum diddly dum

Some random thoughts.
Howard Stern. How do I go about approaching this guy. Dangerous. Some fear, but not total fear coming from me........ Maybe Chris Cornell is supposedly a bait to Howard's fish hook or fish net and Howard gives himself the credit anyway..... Howard has done a few bad things against me but my sixth sense has noticed something good he has done..... I'm sure he could have possibly included me in more gossip that I havn't a clue with....... how to go about approaching Howard.............stumped......
Howard, I see you, yourself as a double-edged sword. The amount that I am accepting with what you're talking about is a double-edged sword with the reputation you have had. I'm sure you're a sex symbol by now. Anyone's reaction could be used against me with the type of source you are as much as it could be used for me. Nonetheless, I'm still not a slave, but I'm sure you understand what source type means.
Howard, I'm sure he knows the things I am not naive about in systems and structures. While I may have my own uncertainties of who could be talking to who or whatever name game is going on, some men, most likely Howard will probably assume all math and conversation is 100% correct. Whether or not a guy cares about accuracy or the integrity of truth is not always going to be a fact of his matter. Some guys just have their impossible dominance and that is that. I consider myself to have been anorexic and standoffish to some of Howard's name games and conversation. The most current piece of news Howard is in seems to be involving arbitrage with a number of women in Kelly Clarkson's story. I could be wrong, but I sense an evil backwardsness going on with a chauvenism. To the arbitrage number of Kelly connected women: "Hey girls, let's all huddle up here and see you all have the same problem." In other words, it is as if all blame goes back to Kelly's arbitrage. There must have been some kind of judgemental story going on amongst the girls where all these girls are the ones who are responsible for the sexual harassment karma they experience. While Howard does actually condone Clive Davis, there seems to be more to the picture than meets the eye. Like I said, I could be wrong. Maybe Howard has 100% total attempt in being a white knight. As for making peace with other women amongst Kelly's arbitrage on my end; it isn't happening. I feel insulted with how he wants to simplify my side of the story and ~"get over some sexual abuse and run along and lets all be happy friends again."~ Howard could be ignorant, or maybe he really is being simple minded. Unless he is a Gadaffi putting a gun to my head threatening for me to run along and get along again, I don't feel the need to run along and get along again.
In another different perspective mindgame with Howard, lets treat the person to person- me to him conversation that it is. Howard, it is awful that he would degrade me like that. There are two men right now that I could see you as identifying with him. Both are pretty obvious, especially Denny Williamson. Howard, I obviously have a more serious problem with the authority of it all and some "rightly" delegated authority people have been given to be judgemental, call shots, and say it is ok for their sexual abuse and sexual harassment. Denny really does think that it is ok to sexually harass me the way he does. I have a number of sexual harassment problems. He is one of them, but there still are other ones that exist. Besides being upset at just his sexual harassment; I have been waiting a long time to see what is wrong with higher authority than him. People don't like the concept of responsibility at all, but when will people ever get over either their vanity or own personal pet peeves and see a problem for what it is and do what is right? Why would some authority ever be so corrupt or even last that long? I do see myself as living in a lot of terrorism. I don't know how high up some power goes with some people and how many other people could be being affected by the poor leadership that I've had to suffer, but when will anything ever seem the slightest bit safer or ok'd comfort again? When?

I can't see what is going on in the mind of half of my predators and why some people hate me the ways they do. I remember making a simple statement a long time ago with: Why would some men want to rob a woman of her confidence? I really do feel a backwards burn because of the people who have been too arrogant or confident for me whether it be intentional karma or not. I could rephrase it and I've already asked the other questions: Why do some men hate me so much? wtf is your problem? What have I ever done to you? Instead of a man's mindset being stuck in their own chauvenistic domination game barbarianism of eye for an eye of being too arrogant or confident, simply the question: Why are you being the way you are being? Or, one of the other substitute questions.

Lost in space....

Dear Chris

hmmmmmmm...................
I havn't forgotton about a few things from the past (Savages, Hamilton Relay). If you're not being a prostitute and I sincerely spark your interest, I don't know what it was I did that attracted you. I think you were in 2 rock magazines this month and country weekly. It was either a Rolling Stone or Guitar World that I didn't get in time. But, I did get Revolver and Country Weekly. In Country Weekly, it almost seems as if you could have been a #1 Zero stalker towards me the whole time, or who knows what is really going on with you. Being such a fan of yours, I can't help but not resist the fantasy of either being sent a love package or comfort. Imagination games come and go, but however your company is described, I like it....... A few bits of info on my end..... John A.: I don't like the way he thinks he has me. Chris, I think you know about my snowflake philosophy, but I just don't like the way he thinks he has me. Jon Stewart........ Presently a serious psycopath of mine who I think lives some of his life to get me to commit suicide. Too severe a hate that comes from him.... I'm not understanding the association with you and him and not understanding what his real outlook is in being somewhat involved in my life. I got some clue in "Savages," and I think there are a lot of gaps in my life that I have yet to know about. If you do have a bisexual relationship with him; I don't care to know the details. With how complicating things are between just you and me, things get even more complicated in trying to percieve you and/ or what predatory message you may have to say............. I am curious to hear your new music with Soundgarden and your share with "Gary Allen." Are you really a libertarian? Not sure how I should completely decode the name of "Gary Allen." He kind of looks like Sugar Ray. I just want to fly too and if you were really in my life, I would put my arms around you........ Hunky Dory music confuses me more but maybe it is just a tactic of making me want you more so you can eventually hurt me more. Maybe both you and Jon are on the same mission. I don't like the idea of being "shared" between you and him. I don't see myself as a swinger like that. And honestly, I'm not 100% comfortable in being with a bisexual guy. It isn't necessarily about discrimination but personal preferences of comfort............. You kind of make it sound with Sound Garden there could have been some kind of relationship with "Kim," and maybe I am supposed to assume more in my personal matrix but I don't know how the math would be relevant with the literal person in your life.......... I'm far from being a fan of the Kardashians....... If you are the #1 Zero and you could already know it all about me but want something to know, I'm not sure what it is you would want to know, or if you wanted me to have something to know. I will eventually get around to listening to the new music. Life is hectic and extremely busy but of course you are worth spending some time with.