Random

Almost November. Fall months are so expensive. I havn't even started Christmas shopping....... I knew I had a job change within my job coming, but it wasn't supposed to be until February. While I hope I'm not speaking to soon, I have some primary babysitting kinks worked out, I'm just being blown by the wind too fast. I have a lot of long distance stores. So far the situation is neither too positive nor too negative. My income should actually increase off of it and I'm hoping enough to only have to work my night job 3 times rather than 4 in a week, but I will see when my first paycheck comes around. I finally have a tv which is a victory. I have too many chores this evening and my dog is one of them. ~sigh~ I can only handle so much in a day. I'm super stressed and tired. I at least got to go to the gym today. It has been awhile, but it took a chunk of my energy and now I just want to go to bed. I need to do more dishes but now, it will just have to be the dog. I at least got some laundry done too. I'm tired and out

As the Sarah Turns: Mostly Same Story

Always mixed information and rumors with a different story that is being broken into my head..... Present thoughts are still on the coach. I have seen the signs that "he is gay." Once again, I can only believe he is bisexual with what I know and what I'm being told. Whether or not he is intentionally sending negative mixed signals or someone else seriously does not want me to want him with the rumors and signs is something I still don't know. Where does some information come from? Some recent "said info" wasn't good. Mike was being labeled with Sam. I know online creepy and morbid hateful Sam and my dad's gay (ex)boyfriend who is creepy and morbidly violent Sam. I just haven't seen the morbid violent hater in Mike, but I'm being warned he is a morbid and violent psycho. I can't believe he has any kind of crush on my dad either. I just won't believe he is into my dad. I don't know what some of Mike's recent violence was about in the head, but it wasn't Sam's kind of violence. Jon has been a gangbanger with my father before to make me their basement slave and be in terror. Words can't describe how much I hate Jon and the trillions of reasons he has given me to see him as the worst lowlife scum. It isn't a good sign to be compared with Sam. I hear most men are bisexual or gay anymore. I've honestly felt more comfortable with the more straight ones, but when the majority of guys seem like that, it's just the uncomfortable norm. Mike has recently kept me seduced in the head while talk and rumors keep going. There was another sign I saw, but I forget what the other negative sign was too. Oh it was "Rob Lowe." I never noticed the resemblance at an earlier time. Maybe they just happen to look a little alike and it means nothing. Rob Lowe is another mean sexual assault against my small breasts. I know I've seen other "Mike's" in the arbitrage at the club that have complimented them, but I just dance and do my thing and didn't think too much of it. I would be mad if he were being two-faced on purpose with me for intentions I just wouldn't know..... It's like I can only stay Mike's seduced captive and keep saying and doing nothing. He's in my head on some occasion and signs come and go. He's still a Bollywood. In some ways I don't mind the seduction and romance, but I think it is another pattern on a hopeless situation where nothing will ever happen. It's like everything is over but it isn't. Thinking out loud and trying to let Mike in and into my head in other ways...........

Random and Hard Thoughts

Life has been busy. Work has been hectic. This starting month has been a little rough but I hope I will make it through and be able to pay every last bill. I still have a fat amount that goes to student loans. I see some Bollywood signs that seem somewhat encouraging but I'm still not sure what to make of everything. Mike S. has been my recent Bollywood crush and I let myself crush on him some, but I'm still keeping my real world in focus. I'm honestly not motivated enough to seek and be in a serious relationship for any men right now. I am especially not motivated to be in any kind of relationship with any women. While I'm just not motivated enough, I havn't lost sight with some things that matter to me with what I want in a man. While I know not every man knows some of what my past perceptions have been, some of my sadistic predators do. I have been told to shove it, suck it, and be a follower to some different women or queens. Some violently hateful men have treated it as a requirement to personally have "a queen." I think any common sense man should have come along by now with "What the fuck was the problem with some men in your life and why did they have such a sick and forceful obsession with you being another woman's follower and having a queen?" Not that I want the man to have any interest or attraction to the sick sadists in my life; it is not a question I would ever submissively or mercifully ask. I would rather some men have an awareness and be offended with me rather than make it any thought or thought of question. I still have a thing against Chris Brown, but I will be attracted to his song, "Only." I'll be Nicki's follower to never be her or anyone else's follower. I still don't like all of her lines. It isn't that I would ever tell a bitch to "blow me," but independent women only. It varies with some men with making me feel more ignored than others.... Anyway what I DO like, obviously a man who is seriously that into me. I will see a man as having barbaric and jealous behavior to know he doesn't think highly of me but to still try to forcefully control me and go for me anyway. I hate that I have been approached by this type more often. I'm still mad at all the gangrape I've felt I had to go through over the past couple of years. I still have never stopped hating the totalitarian, barbaric, and forceful nature of some people.... While it is hard to put in words the type of personality I like, I would word it around I like a man who has a certain way of words and thinking. I know everyone gets lazy-minded from time to time, but I'm not attracted to someone who is always like that. I don't like a man who gossips too much or isn't cautious enough with what he is trying to say. It's ok to talk about some people sometimes but I don't like to feel embarrassed or put on the spot if a man does bash another way too much; is too judgemental; or too overassumptive. I know a lot of men who have thought they have had "class," but once I see how judgemental or overassumptive they are with no mind to accurate facts, call it class or not, it is still a turnoff. It's not even that I would want a man to barbarically grill a person either to get accurate facts. I hate when someone expresses Scottish "rites," on me and would be embarrassed if he had his Scottish "rites," against another. A man can still fight for me and defend my honor or truth, but do it with a good perfection.......I like a drug free man. I don't think there is always a bias as to whether or not a crackhead is judgemental, but if I had to choose between a crackhead who is not judgemental compared to a drugfree person who is. I might go with the crackhead. It really depends, but most likely I would be my own hypocrite and untrusting of the crackhead because they could blow a fuse and go into a rage at anytime. I shouldn't have talked about them, but judgmental men are one of my biggest turn offs. While I have come across some of the most random men and random stalkers; I have definitely come across some gangbangers. Because of what I have been through; I think a lot of men are low and I feel cursed to be forever single. In my experience, not many men fight to be trusted or to have my respect. They have always expected me to be at the butt end and if they can't have their dominant way with me, most will either leave me or have a stalking rapist attitude that just won't get that I won't give in. I've just never felt loved enough. It is always going to be worth it to me to either always be single, or worth it to me to wait for the man who makes me feel loved and valued enough. There is no settling for less. Other things I am looking for: the man has to have a natural penis. Whether or not the guy's dick is big or small; it has to be natural. No dick implants. I believe in unconditional love and I'm not shallow. I plan on having more kids. Whether or not I have a boy or girl, I want them to have that example already set and trail blazed. I want them to feel and know that they are loved and accepted by the ones that matter unconditionally........ One thing I know I have lost is that I couldn't trail blaze my work life without having been a stripper. It isn't that I would ever want to raise my daughter to be a stripper. I at least have a bachelor's degree as some kind of accomplishment..... In a different mind, although I don't have the 6 or 7 figures, I was able to still survive with my small boobs off of it. Whether I'm jinxing myself or not: I definitely make more than any other part time minimum wage job that was offered and although I know some people have wanted to ruin it for me in being a stripper, it is too late with the couple of years I already got in. I have already made more than the other jobs. I've already been able to make some other financial goals and accomplishments. Just because I don't make 6 or 7 digits doesn't mean my job is completely ruined. I got some things beat. Not in the way I wanted, but I got some of my problems and dilemmas beat. I'm jumping around in my mind a lot, but this is why I call this blog a random blog.

Random

I still don't have the time to write a blog, but I think I will anyway. There is still so much going on and I am on edge running around like a chicken with it's head cut off as I knew I would. While sorting and packing through some of my things, I found some sensual massage oil I didn't remember I had. ooooh la la. The furniture situation has been very frustrating but getting settled in will have a couple of extra days added to the time frame. There is other random furniture and décor that I'm going to have to buy one to a few pieces at a time. Still moving and looking forward to it. My dog is actually a larger project than I thought. Not only is it difficult to get a license for him, but I'm still working on getting a dog walker or having him wear dog diapers through the day. I have a little bit of an allergy to him too which I'm a little upset over. I have a lot of random things to buy for him. I think moving the toys is going to be one of the other nightmares. Mitzi is still attached to her baby and toddler toys and will probably have her fits to throw when we're not bringing all of her toys and stuffed animals. She has way too many stuffed animals. Not all toys are as easy to pack either. golly gee. Speaking of some of that, while it might be too much to say: I really have the baby blues. I really want another baby. While it wasn't the right timing for Mitzi and she wasn't planned, right now is not the best time just yet either. I don't have an official man yet, and seriously have to have the extra support emotionally and financially. I also have to wait to get insurance and just more baby ready. When having kids, I didn't want the ages so far apart. Mitzi is already 5. If I get pregnant again and depending on how soon I get pregnant, she will definitely be 6 by then and hopefully not 7. I get sad because it seems Mitzi's younger years have already past too quickly. I'm really emotionally feeling the baby blues though among other emotions and anxieties. I really don't know what I'm going to be doing in the next year or two jobwise. I could stick with the same job for at least another year or more, but havn't decided what other part time job or even full time job to look for. Some stay at home online jobs are a little more complicated than others. I really think I want it, but have some hesitation. I like being a homebody, but don't know if it would ruin it with too much time at home. There is just too much to do in Pittsburgh for me to know I'll be home all of the time. I'm wondering if I will have enough space with all of the stuff I have. I'm sure I will manage but not sure how. So much to do yet. I think I'm done packing for the day, but behind on crafts and other random to do's on my list.

I just can't

personal secret msn pop up ad I could assume is from the coach......"Constant fatigue is a warning sign," "People in heavy CC debt are in for a big surprise" Someone could want to corruptly use someone as a blackmail in their forced judgement of a "CC debt," or that threat could be something to be looked over and irrelevant. SOME THINGS ARE NEVER SPELLED OUT ENOUGH. There is real life literal debt AND OTHER THINGS I'D BE DEAD BEFORE I'D EVER BE "INDEBTED," TO SOMEONE WRONGFULLY. Let's suppose I didn't get that debt thing at all, the entire world revolves around you with no blocks, and you seriously were saying to me: "Seriously Sarah, I'm warning you what I really want from you." Now, I'm finally mad because not only are you married, but I seriously can't tease or provoke you that much more. No more pulling at your Pinocchio! I'm so horny and I just can't test it anymore! Maybe it is better that I nip my puppy crush in the bud quicker and just get over it all quicker. I have toughed it out the whole time, and I can only keep making whatever I keep getting the same way I have been getting it. Nothing further than that. I know I've been shamelessly tested after saying no and have been a little more forced than usual. I'd rather say that I know that I've said "no." But there it is: A more forced resistance from me to you. I'm not even going to bet anymore whatever happens from this point. I'm in a little bit of angst right now but I will be fine if my life stays the same.

Random Thoughts

While it still isn't good that there is bad spring weather this weekend at the home show; the coordinators allowed me to set up shop in the larger building center. I was kind of excited about setting up my new canopy with all of the gidgets, but I get to save time and have better chances at making a sale on the inside. good news for me. They said it actually might be snowing this weekend at Deep Creek. I knew it was going to rain, but snow? This is my first festival of the spring season, and my first spring festival in a few years, I'm so anxious and excited to see how things will go......My schedule is more off whack this week and next week, but I'm excited for the things I have planned for. In my busy-ness, I'm still too busy and have too much to plan for. I technically don't have time to write this blog either but it is what I do to de-stress sometimes. .... Drama. Most of the time, I look before I leap to the best of my capability, but I seriously didn't know the coach was a married man. He hit on me first. I'm not going to make it a serious bickering competitive case though. I'm kind of brushing myself off, walking away, and looking back a little. I'm back to square one in my eyes and I'm ok. I at least got some message across and gave myself some kind of voice. I may be flirting with the Pens again, but I'm taken aback and shying away... Crafting projects to complete and get ready for.........

Floating in the Clouds

I'm not entirely at rest or calm. I want to be. I have some anxiety. I have a lot of reasons to be anxious. While there seems to be a lot of good sexual chemistry, I wonder if telling you more about myself will turn you off? lol How much do I care to keep it just sexual, or wanting to be your friend? I like the thought of being your sexual plaything lover (I'm having a hard time in thinking how to word it), but I'm anxious for more of a connection. I really don't think you want to betray me, or make me feel betrayed. It is a big deal for me to be betrayed, and yes, I am very capable of keeping a man shut out of my life. I don't like the way it feels like Jon is around. I do hate Jon for life. He has done a large number of things that were extremely offensive and damaging. You do not want to have a guilty association with Jon. .... I have a hard time in knowing what to believe about you. There are times I feel convinced you have a sincere desire and lust for me, and other times outside of that where I question if you feel obligated to me. Do you really have some kind of jealous and possessive lust for me? Do you have some kind of anger where you seriously want to take care of me? Are you more mad that you feel you have to take care of me, feel stuck with me, feel obligated? While I have many other random issues over so many different things as Bollywood and other thoughts racing through my mind, these are part of the main thoughts that race through my mind. I have a certain level of confidence for people who are wealthy, famous, and out of my league in some ways. I'm just not one who likes to be bullied or pushed around. Sometimes, it feels like it is a tough fight to fight for some kind of fair civility, and some people are different than others. I get very upset when I have no other choice to fight for some kind of fairness or civility or have to scream at a person's prejudices or prejudiced denial. I've had my fair share of hits and bruises, but I can only take so much. I really am a sensitive person. I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm not sure what you're out to do either. I almost feel a little light headed sometimes, but I'm trying to stay cool and calm. There really are a lot of things about you and wherever it is you want to go that feel more stressing at some times than others. While I feel some connection with you, there is not enough connection with you, and once again the main issue of Bollywood and having normal communication and being able to normally reach each other. I hope you're having a good weekend. xo

So Much on My Mind

I have so much going on in the next couple of months and I'm actually excited about it. I have yet to look into the 5Ks. ... I'm both excited and anxious for my spring/summer crafting that I will be trying for again since the past couple of years. I can finally afford to experiment and take risks with it more. I should have better luck this time at making more sales, but I won't know how business will be until I do. I have 3 that I have definitely planned on. I'm thinking about adding one more, but I should probably save the rest of my time and personal investing for the winter crafts. I have the same 3 winter festivals in the line up, but have yet to look into adding one more. I'm so excited for it. ........ It isn't going to be too much longer before I will be able to move. I am guestimating just a few more months... While I have been mostly thinking of moving to Morgantown, I am now thinking of moving to Monroeville, PA. Morgantown is still a nice town with some things to do. I already have a job there which was the convenient thing. Monroeville seems to be a nice town and is just right outside of Pittsburgh. It is a perfect fit to be just right outside of the city. I've thought of moving to Pittsburgh before; there is so much to do. In Monroeville, I'll have both the city and more simple suburb. If I'm going to make a move; I should pick the more ideal place. I'm not sure what I'm going to do just yet. Being able to get a job with convenient hours while affording Mitzi a babysitter will be the main objective. Daycare shouldn't be too bad, but some babysitters working the other hours will be a little more costly..... My vacation planning is another thing I'm excited for. I think I have my mind mostly made up in going to Virginia Beach again and the where and when. I'm going to make myself take money out of my savings and book it soon so it won't already be sold out. ....................Drama. In the media; things don't look well with Dana. I don't know all of his drama or arbitrage, but I really don't feel bad at taking a shot at what I saw was what I got. When people are messing around with me in what could be the worst ways in my blind side, I have my own personal rights, excuse you. Someone in the media is talking more about Pete's friend, and it doesn't seem to be a good sign that he could have Dana's favoritism. I'd have to assume him as an enemy in some way. Pete was shady but becoming less shady. I don't know what to think of Giovanni right now. I think I believe in Pete more than Giovanni, but they could both be wrong for me. I can't make myself too stuck on anyone..... until then, staying the same busy body: anxious and excited.

Suicide Squad and Random Thoughts

I haven't watched any of Batman or Superman movies, but I got around watching the Suicide Squad today. If there was something to get with the sci-fi, I really don't know what there was to get... ahem... I'm not sure how many do look at me as if I identified myself with "Harley," but I think some people have an absurd jealousy if so. They either want me to be the bad man or put a bad man fascist on me. It makes me feel like someone wants to molest me with it. It could be where they just want me to be the bad man. I've held my tongue for a long time with the term "molestation," because some people really do feel like they are masters of judgement whether they want to put the molestation or "molester," on me. I send people back to the "Rusted Musket," with my own quiet mockery. When a person gets savage with their judgement like that; they'd be too savage to be mocked or able to handle any retaliation. Terrible manipulative and judgmental people who will always want to fight and claw tooth and nail to have their way with you one way or another. barbarian. barbarian. barbarian... I'm still not afraid to say when I think some people are too immature for me. Most of my anti-thoughts against people deal with barbarianism. Whether people want to call me savage or not for the way I throw around the term "rape," is on them. There are too many judgmental people that just don't want to understand what some of their conquestial actions are, or pay enough attention to their own problems and/or emotional dilemmas. There are a lot of people who do get on the offense to take their anger out on someone when some people really have no excuse for what their hates, lashes, and offenses are. I'm not one who likes being taken advantage of as a scapegoat when someone has a problem that they don't know how to deal with and how not to be a totalitarian control freak about it either. I'm still pretty upset over the victimizations I've lived through where someone has wanted to the blame put on me. It is a day to day thing to get over being scapegoated or ostracized while some people live for their hates or wars where I can only be a standstill of my own liberty. Sometimes people have such hateful consequences against my will to be the most very and normal independent. My independence should have been treated as normal, and it felt molesting when people did want to force my dependence on them. I think I like the term "rape" better, but there was a certain way I was being lied against, underestimated, made to feel stupid, and intentionally lied against to be forced into some kind of dependence. That was one example of a way where a few individuals had their basement slave stories. I'd look at Maggie, Erin, Jon Stewart, John, Stacy, and Katie the most at that......I went on my own 2 cents tangent. I really have nothing against Margo that I should know about. It was pure sci-fi to me. The thing that annoyed me about the movie was that the sci fi criminals were the only ones whose weaponry worked. I think one or two wasn't even a nuclear disaster. The hit man and the boomerang guy, but there weapons still worked over the military weapons. Even Harley could beat a bad guy with a baseball bat, but a regular military gun wasn't going to work. They were the "special fit," for the job.

Where I Usually Never Go

The phrase "taking someone for what their worth," usually brings a sour or scowling response from a person... Freaky Petey, I have no other choice than to be straight forward with you and out of character at that. You make my mind jump in so many different ways... Where to start: You know you're one of my Franks: I EXPECT YOU to not deny that. You really come across as a serious fool in love with me at times, and a sleazy and mean player at other times. While I usually never keep the tally nor even fight to give myself the credit of taking a man for what he's worth, my out of character is. I've been very pursuant of Jack; I've kept you mostly ignored; I've made very little action or no action at all to fight for you or try to win you. I really haven't liked the mystery of the arbitrage and just how questionably mean of a man you can be when you stay positively aggressive and pursuant of me at the same time. ..... It's the men who I think are out to take whatever women for worth he can, I usually refer to as "competitive." I usually don't mind the friendly or not so serious competition, but when I'm set in my ways and satisfied with myself, I just am. When I don't want to change who I am for a man, I just don't. When a man challenges me, it is sometimes dependent on the situation with how complicated or deceptive I am in a man's will to be conquestial. I am rarely ever straight forward with the issue of the challenge because I know I can't win. I usually let the man think he has won knowing I will never see myself as his conquest and quietly will never even want to care to know whatever his supremacy is. "Sure man, you win." I really hate their karma when they catch onto my mockery like its the same for them to mock me back with "sure, I win." Like I'm out to be their barbarian. ..(I appreciate the sharp shooter who does acknowledge what I think of the majority of men with the poor shooters and judge of characters they are with "Rusted Muskets." I still don't know Rusty and while I know you're still a mystery meat with him Petey, "Rusted Muskets," wasn't me meaning to aim that at you. I don't know enough about your sense of judgement, but someone else does and they must not like the way you talk about me in ways I may not always see.) ..on with it: ..They don't either pay attention enough to "truth in action," or follow through with a rightness or fairness and they would rather lie or try to be a blackmailer about it. When men are typically barbaric and conquestial, they just are. Not enough men know how to have a challenging way to fight either. I know piggishness more than anything, and the minute they feel they deserve to have a final say shuts me off and makes me shriek. The term: "fair enough" disgusts me..... Had you not come across as a clown in some instances, Freaky Petey, I wouldn't sound so harsh or have such a violent defensive growl. In another mind's eye, I am curious to watch "When Harry Met Sally," and you really do make me curious for you when you seem to be a fool like you seriously love me and want to love me. You have an indescribable way with me and you and your persistence is really breaking me right now. My Regina Spektor saying "Always one foot on the ground," to you too Petey. I'm coming to a stop in keeping you denied/taking you for what your worth. You're too much of a distant Bruce Almighty right now and it's not that I havn't fell for the god complex before, but it is the way a man never stops with his god complex that loses me too. You have an acknowledged chance with me right now and I'm still not over Jack.