No Hard Feelings

For now, anyway. Life is a little bit of a whirlwind, but I am ok. I'll do the man drama first. I am mostly at a square one with a few interests and crushes. If there is any feeling I am left to feel with Ben, I feel a little bit of comfort and console. I have no hard feelings against him right now and hope that I won't have another enemy to make out of someone. When it comes to defining "feeling alone," or being "left alone," it is a very sketchy and abstract concept. I am personally the type that likes to be independent and in control over my life. While there are times I feel so alone in the world; it doesn't necessarily mean that I give up on my independence or would let a person take control of my life. When it comes to fighting against feeling left alone; there are very few people that just don't understand the right kind of approach to have. It isn't that I would even obligate or force a person to be with me, whether I am wanted or unwanted from some people. The ones that could want to show they care don't always know how. I am not against a sexual connection, but connections don't always have to be sexual either. ... I don't have a lot to say in regards to a few other men. I'm not close to a lot of them and don't know a lot about them. I feel a little bit of a mixed signal from one particular. I know I am interested in him and getting to know him a little more, but I'm not 100% sure what is really going on on his end. I think there is a certain way he means to give me a compliment right now, but I am second guessing his interest because it came from a messenger. In all honesty, I'm not really into the messenger and some of his choice approach. ... There may be another guy, Anthony who is interested in me, but I don't believe in his interest that much. I could see myself being friends with him is some ways, but I don't entirely trust him and see what some of his tags are and other things about him to be highly suspicious of. He has a friendly and mean betrayal in some ways. I can give him the credit that there are some ways that he knows how to be an adult about it, (but not entirely ~ha ha~).... While I feel I have a little relief in the man drama dept., I still feel I don't have anyone right now, and I am not going to stress too much over being single. I can recompose myself and keep living my usual busy way. Life is very busy and hectic right now and the extra time that I can have is a benefit to me. Good things and stressful things going on, but I am glad to have had a good weekend in making money and am glad to have some other small blessings and happenings going on right now.

David, message from cry baby

When I have such heavy weights over my shoulders, I sometimes lose my strength. I hate my life, the burdens that I have, the problems I've always been to good for. I can't stand the lack of control that I've always been insufferable to. I hate how desperate some people are to want to control, manipulate, and black mail. I hate the possessiveness and greed of some people. I can't stand being such a vulnerable victim. I don't always know when I'm being tested by you or someone else. Whether or not you're being a cheater or how much of a cheater you are; I can't stand how vulnerable I am. Do I get my hopes up for nothing when it comes to you? Are you here to be a protector that you may never really be? Why would you hang around if you're too good to be true? You sometimes get hungry to use someone and like when me or other women are attracted to you? I feel I have no other choice but to be more curious about "Spectre." But, if there is something you are getting at or something I just can't figure out, I wish you would let me in more and give me better clues what you are out for. I know I don't always know where info comes from or what to believe. I'm sorry that I'm not always strong enough to not wig out. I've always taken a calm approach and my anxiety really gets the better of me sometimes. I hate the way my life has always been. Life is so difficult to take right now and I can only try to regain my strength to fight off particular ways that I pity myself. It's not that I don't have pride when I have pity. When there is nothing I can do about some things, there is nothing I can do.

As the Sarah Turns: It's all in the head

hmph. All in the head. I'll start with David. I've never seen the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy," but that probably seems to be our best title by now. It isn't that I've never noticed the good things about David. I hate it when "It's a small world," applies to celebrities as well. I hate that I have no other choice to see him as just another conquestial terrorist who is just not going to give up. It really is a good thing that he would be into the French Montana song "Pop That," in the head, but the mess is still there. When I have to be a drama queen, I have to be a drama queen. While my drama queen probably does embarrass David, I'm embarrassed too, but I could never be ANY OTHER WAY. When I have enemies I have enemies and a lot of my enemies are indescribable pigs who have no common sense or shame about it. My enemies have always been the ones to stalk and control me. I couldn't stand the totalitarian barbaric, controlling dead giveaways they were and WHEN THEY HAD THE FURTHER NERVE TO PUT THEIR FOOLISHNESS, CORRUPTION, STALKING VIOLENCE, LIES, TRICKS, BULLSHIT, JUDGEMENT, AND PIGGISHNESS ON ME. MY ENEMIES ARE DENSE WITH NO COMMON SENSE. You would think that those people would at least recognize the criminal, pig, or psychotic totalitarian they were but they shamelessly don't. In Rob's case, I know he is only one juggernaut share of some of Bob's arbitrage. I more than understood the threat that it was, and yes MORE POWER TO MY SEXUAL WILL TO CARE. While Rob has not yet had the nerve to be the sick violent manipulator as others, other arbitrage has. They put the worst rape on me when I refuse to be controlled or damned by a totalitarian's terrible tyrant marks. While I may not immediately go fuck a man in spite of their damnation of my sex, "Pop That," is still me marching to he beat of my own tune. And they made the worst arrogant rapist out of me because I wasn't going to be subjected to the murder of my sex. I'm not taking back the other ugly things I said either. I hate being fucked with BY THE SAME DENSE AND ARROGANT FUCKTARDS. David, if you really are out to be part of their totalitarian gang rape, I wish you would just say what your problem really is and why you would continue to stalk and pursue me. WHAT IS UP DAVID? You have to be more than just suckered into my sex. It matters that you are, but if you are a clear enemy with a bad intention, being suckered into my sex isn't going to be enough for me. I need someone who is with me and on my side. I can't stand being threatened anymore. ........... Collin Cowherd, I know you are around, but when trying to get over someone, I don't always instantly get over someone and just let things happen. It is nice of you to be here for me, but the timing still isn't right for me. I really have nothing more to say to you over anything right now.

As The Sarah Turns

It is Trevor's turn to be addressed by me. ...... . hahhaahaa..... Boy George half joke Trevor? Do I really want to hurt you? No, I don't want to hurt you or make you cry. ..... hmmmm. I havn't made it to Aloha yet. It isn't good to be called Bradly Cooper either, but you're not really leaving a Bradly Cooper impression in a certain way on me right now. As mean as I can be, I feel I am mostly sensitive right now with both you and David. Speaking of, I hate that I have to say I know you are more my age. I would have a little more common sense to be with someone who is closer to my age. I don't want David to feel any more of a wound than what he feels. I know I have a thing for the older men and he isn't the first older guy that I've had a thing for. I'm sure he knows, and that his age doesn't feel so much like a blow. It isn't that I don't like some younger guys my age either...I know the most recent spat I had with David and that there is a further hint to take with Gwyneth and with other pics. ... I just didn't get what the facial expression he had on his face was with Gwyneth, but I think he has several Gwyneths (including me) that he is keeping played. Maybe he exclusively wants just me. If you were both sold on me, I think I would be very happy and potentially satisfied (video game structure) with either of you. And no, I'm not saying I want 2 serious boyfriends. One man woman. I've only seen one episode of "Aquarius," so far. You both seem to be anxious which is a good sign. I'm anxious too, but I only have so much time in a day, and so much time to myself. I'm not necessarily saying everything else is more important but this time of the year is the busiest time of the year for me. I have several more things going on than usual at this time. I don't want to lose either of you with the time I don't have either. I'm serious about being in person to person. It just never works out when men rely too much on the structure or socialized capitalism. I don't know where everything comes from or what to believe. I don't take everything personal, in, or with full belief. Being in person confirmation is what matters the most. I have never understood the bullshit capitalist relationships that seem to have always been. I have my own terms of credibility not just with another person but in giving myself my own believed credit. ...... I do find it awkward in talking about another man with you and also feel awkward about it with David. I'm not out to exploit or make you center of attention in ways neither of you would want. When you play your own communication and capitalist games, this is the only fairest form of communication I to have offer. It isn't my fault the way you guys keep yourself out of reach and impossible in your own ways. In another emotional way, I care enough to not make you feel like you live a lie or are being terribly deceived. I care to be real and honestly personal with you and with David. I know the conversation is directed at you but I believe he is keeping his eye on me and am letting him in on me too. I just hate the way the communication has to be! I feel dumb and that this is my own dumb cluster blog. I might as well take a piece of paper and literally scribble everywhere because this is a draft that I already want to crumble up but can't FOR THE SAKE OF ANXIETY AND COMMUNICATION.

Chat

Jared.......... I am 0n s0me 0f the same wavelength as y0u. Bef0re I g0 there..... Pers0nal talk ab0ut y0u. I feel I d0n't have much 0f any feelings f0r y0u. I feel betrayed by y0u t00 and s0me things that I'm just n0t getting ab0ut y0u. 0f c0urse there is n0 c0mparis0n with being betrayed with y0u and J0n. Y0u're n0t the sadistic, c0rrupt, desperate liar that he is. Y0u're just n0t 0ut t0 be the same predat0r. An0ther predat0r like him is the last thing I want t0 deal with. N0 c0mplaints against the predat0r that y0u aren't. I guess a pers0nal and simple reaquaintence with y0u and I. ........ "Law Abiding Citizen." It never registered as y0ur share at first. Gerard reminds me 0f Randy m0res0, and I am relieved that I d0n't have t0 w0rry as much ab0ut it f0r the claimant y0u are being. I think Randy is an0ther gr0ss vain man wh0 t00k himself way t00 far and gave himself way t00 much credit. N0t with the m0vie. He is m0re 0f a gr0ss gay sucker t0 J0n than I'll ever a sucker with J0n. Whatever sexual victimiziti0n game Randy c0uld have wanted t0 play I want n0thing t0 d0 with. Speaking 0f m0re rand0m pe0ple, I feel like my life will always be c0mmunistically quarantined t0 be damned and cursed with the same dumb bastard pe0ple. J0n is the 0ne wh0 is n0t c0ming d0wn 0ff himself. I hate the c0nstant threat that he has never st0pped being in wanting me t0 give int0 him and his bastard w0men. It is like he will never st0p demanding that I fight 0r beg f0r him. He will lead me 0n just t0 rub in h0w much 0ther w0men fight f0r him and h0w desperate they are f0r him and wanting t0 make it l00k like I am the 0ne wh0 is his s0re l0ser. Why weren't pe0ple ever g0ing t0 be called 0ut f0r the tyrant pigs and tyrant rapists they are. H0w c0uld s0 much tyranny be s0 0verl00ked and unacc0unted f0r? H0W C0ULD ANY0NE EVER THINK THEY HAD ANYTHING T0 PR0VE 0R STILL HAVE ANYTHING T0 PR0VE? Why c0uldnt pe0ple just see the rigs, c0rrupti0n, and c0ntr0lling pe0ple that s0me pe0ple were and are? H0w c0uld s0me pe0ple ever think s0me pe0ple were ever right t0 be the tyrants they were? I hate the sp0iled brat pig that J0n is. He breaks my heart in the m0st vi0lent way and expects me t0 beg 0r c0mpete f0r him and w0uld actually have the nerve t0 c0mpete in playing the victim. Speaking 0f, h0w 0utdated are s0me things? It was nice t0 have s0me kind 0f satisfacti0n t0 kn0w he must have suffered s0me t0rt0r0us death s0mewhere al0ng the way. S0metimes satisfacti0n like that calms me d0wn and it is J0n's 0wn fault f0r making s0me kind 0f sadist 0ut 0f me. There is still n0 c0mparis0n with his sadism vs. my sadism. Alth0ugh I d0n't catch 0nt0 s0me m0vies until I d0, I am reminded 0f "The Uninvited" and the sexually 0ffended l0ve child bad man they made 0ut 0f me. I didn't catch 0n t0 that m0vie until I did and that was s0 sick 0f J0n t0 put me in that character in r0le. I hate him f0r life f0r thinking he and his bastard w0men are my superi0rs. I will never f0rgive J0n, and he had that lethal injecti0n c0ming f0r him. He sh0uld have never been the tyrant and c0ntr0lling man that he was. He sh0uld have never kept my life threatened f0r that l0ng like that. I still d0n't have a clue what it is he is trying t0 pr0ve anym0re. I'm sick 0f the way he thinks he can trick me in his 0r my lust. I'm sick 0f the way he thinks he can beat, trick, manipulate, 0r win against me with his sex. He l00ks like a sadistic h0rny man wh0 has n0 self c0ntr0l and 0nly wants t0 be m0re sadistic because I will never fight 0r beg f0r him. I kn0w he will always be desperate t0 use my em0ti0ns against me. I have n0thing left t0 say.

As the Sarah Turns, Random Thoughts

What a busy, stressful week. Still having troubles with insomnia, but I at least got 2 or 3 days of good rest this week. There is just not enough time in the day. .... I'm glad there was an event going on today. Mitzi and I had a place to go and something to do, rather than just stick around the house. ...... I have a little bit of drama and anxiety and wish I had more things to relieve myself and more stuff to know about some people. The Dr. is still on my mind and in my head and I don't know how foolish it is or what I can do right now. I'm getting anxious and impatient and want to be put out of my misery. I'm still not sold on believing anything about him. I think he knows and understands the dangerous man that Jon is and that everything is still an awkward situation. It is a sad picture of the Stockholm food chain. The thing I'm most upset about is, if the Dr. had to choose between Jon and I, which one would he choose? Does status and being gay matter the most, or would he seriously prefer to have me? I know Jon still acts as if he still wants me, but he has been such a serious fuck up hater and has let me down so extremely, he'll always be this nightmare. I know if I were to choose between Jon and the Dr. today, I'd pick the Dr. instead of Jon. I know Jon is a Dr. too, but I don't think Dr. M would be the nightmare and make me live in the misery that Jon makes me live in. I have some hopes for the Dr., but I'm not the type to have high hopes or expectations of anyone. Who knows what would come of anything? I don't have much more to say of my other crushes for now. I'm not sure if it would be dangerous for me to keep messing around with other men. I feel like I'm left hanging for a little bit. I'm hoping the Dr. will have more of a heart soon and stop leaving me so anxious, stressed, and left to wonder too much.

We Are Not Even. No Comparison.

Are you seriously being a bitch about who cheats on who more? Are you seriously challenging me with that? There is no comparison with the cheater that I am and the cheater you are. I hate it when people go "Chicago" on me. I hate this manipulation for what it is. I know we're talking about Collin. In James Bond, you know I wasn't even the prostitute Javier (you) shot because of his mad love. You were never jealous of me like that. I was always the murdered underdog, and if anything, I probably identify more with Javier's character than you. The story wasn't even like that with Collin. I wish I had a hero, but it was all flirting and bullshit. You know no punishment. Your cheats have always been more numerous and more severe. No, I'm not going to fight for your love. No, I am not going to be manipulated with this cheap kill and manipulation. Your Russian doesn't compare with my Canadian.

Cheesy Music Talk

It isn't that it is all cheesy. It isn't all about general terms although some of my thoughts can still be taken in general ways. ............ I'm still lost with some things and feel left in the dark and that my crush is unfairly mysterious. ...Where do I begin? My thoughts about casual sex and Gaga and R. Kelly: https://youtu.be/WaCzYH9bkDY There is no denying that there are a lot of conquestial men out there. I know I have been the victim one too many times where men treat me as a conquest, that they have me owned, and whatever woman they are with "what is his is her's as well." I'll never get over half of the rape that I have experienced. Some men are fun and games while other men take their self way too far as if they were married or deserve to treat the woman like she is his slave. Is it that casual sex ever existed? Will there always be a threat that just because you sleep with someone that person's self worth is at stake? Their life is for the taking? That someone CAN take the other person for what their worth? Words cannot describe how angry I get over the structure that some men and some women especially have. Does Ashton Kutcher really feel he is holding up on "No Strings Attached," or has he become his own hypocrite? While not all thoughts are directed at Ashton, how could I forget the movie for what it was? Most of the time it is a man's punch line against a woman who doesn't want to feel taken advantage of. Could he or other men lose focus and out talk themselves and become the hypocrite when it was their defense from the start? Ashton really is a mixed story where he makes his and other's credit up. I really didn't like the ending of the movie for what it was because of the suggestiveness of the resolution (sad crack head love) and that she was the one who had to be aggressive for him. ........... That was a trail off of what other thoughts I am focused on. But continuing on is this: https://youtu.be/Gz2GVlQkn4Q Come with Me Now. I don't want to feel like I am ruining the song because I think it is too simple-minded. I know there is an emotional truth to it, but I just think it is cheesy and simple-minded. Beauty is skin deep and a mind is a terrible thing to waste. I have personally been killed as a beautiful bimbo before. It isn't that I don't know how it feels to be treated as a stereotype of "dumb blonds" or "stupid beauty." I really know how it feels to be overlooked with my good looks used against me. Although I haven't always shown it (I'm not the type that has anything to prove); it matters to me to be treated to an intellectual respect. I have never argued that my beauty itself should be treated as superior against a potential persons potentially valuable thoughts. The biggest matter is is the issue of control. It is wrong to use a person's beauty to manipulate or control another person. I just hate the way some people have never understood what their actions are in telling others what to do and to control another. People have the right to have their own values and their own cares. Besides a person keeping their own cares and values, they should also be treated to their own right of caring about their cares. Everyone has a different WAY of doing or seeing things. I know their are evil people in the world who want to be manipulative with their rape and the way they think they deserve something. I just wish people would stop being quick to judge something and be more questionable. It is so easy for people to fall through the cracks when a wrongful judge and wrongful control freak wants to take control of the situation. Their should simply be more protection for freedom and rights and that some people should see another person's actions for what they are. ............... Back to my thoughts of my crush. Right now, I stress him with: he loves me, he loves me not. I don't think I'm his ideal woman, and I don't think he is my ideal man. I know I care when he has interest in other women. I know we're not official and I have never felt right to be possessive of him like that. If anything, it is sometimes the reason I would withdraw or run from him, but it isn't that I don't care. I don't feel threatened as if he were putting my life on the line anymore. "Blurred lines," and "Come with me Now," is most of the relief that I need. He knows better than to let a man mark me and subject me to his mark, so it mostly seems. That man is not my maker. At the same time, he looks interested in other women. It isn't that he is completely sold on me or that I completely have him. I understand that. It's not that I don't care and it's not that there aren't other fish in the sea. .... I'm not completely understanding his spat with my Olga. It is kind of back to what I was saying from the start against conquestial actions. It isn't even that I've slept with the world. Some people wrongfully act like they have me owned. Some people wrongfully give themselves the credit, or are the liars or manipulative liars that they are. Thus, the planet is a tragic fucked up mess with little existence or intelligent life. It's called using your imagination you jerk. It isn't that I always even deny myself either in contacting others and that every last thing is full of nothing but bull shit. Every once in awhile I have my own honesty and will sometimes trust another person's honesty. I know I play and I don't always like to worry about how someone could take me and how much of a reality there is. Sometimes I care. It all depends.

Issue of stalking/ tracking watcher

You have me a little confused, but I'll just continue on with one of your main topics today. I know it is an issue that I've talked about before. ...... You talk more about you and your wife. You have the best ideology. ~hmph~ I'm afraid to know if you believe in an open marriage or not. Whether or not there is possessiveness, the ability to trust your partner is the most important. ....... Back to my real life and overall thoughts. I have never been married. Although I can admit the fact that "The Police, Every Breath You Take," can be a major turn on, it isn't always ok for a man to have that role. It isn't ok when he knows that we never made the choice together to take the relationship to a more serious level. It isn't ok when he knows he is the cheater and has the expectation for me to give in as an inferior to the cheat. Besides all of that, I know my life has been unfair for too long. I know I have had no other choice to disassociate some people and stay to myself because I refuse to be lied about. Sometimes people are too ignorant to understand how much they make me scream when they call the shots. Other times, I have intentional predators who would go through any length to make me scream for the way they lie. When I am being stalked, it is like the concept of "choosing," has never existed. People don't understand when they cancel themselves out and reduce their self to nothing because they won't understand the Stockholm or stalker that they are. They keep giving themselves a credit that they don't have while keeping me robbed of my truth. I hate people for not understanding how much they lie and how much they keep trying to put something on me. My real voice gets so suffocated. People try to trick or rig too much. People try to reframe my truth too much and keep me at the butt end of everything. People just don't comprehend how extremely wrong they are and the tyrants that they are. I hate the way I suffer in my innocence and the way people want me to conform to their nigger games. I'll always like the Canadian I am better. Anyhoo, that is my take on some of the torment in my life. The credit people never had.