What to do New Years

Christmas was mostly good. I'm not sure how spoiled Mitzi will be in years to come, but this year, she was very spoiled. I feel like I got her too much, but was glad to have been able to give a lot to her. Speaking of spoiled, she was a spoiled brat about it, and just couldn't seem to have enough presents. I think she's still too young to know any better at being a brat about it, and she is just so adorable. ................So far, I'm pretty excited to go to stripping in Pittsburgh. The club that I've called ahead for sounds a little more intimidating due to the fact that their dancers wear gowns on some days, and the first day there, I will be required to wear one. There is going to be a Hockey game that day. I wonder if that Sid guy still plays lol. I have snubbed Shawn out of my life either way, but would bet Sid's name was used sometimes to talk to Shawn in the arbitrage. Wearing a gown adds on to the excitement because I like to dress up. I picked "Blush." I probably will be dancing for another 3 months or maybe even longer, so why not just invest just a little more? I'll make a little more of the rest of my time and possibly add on to my travels. Colorado, Texas, and Florida sounds fun. New York is probably the most dangerous place of all where I just don't have the urge to go yet... I havn't decided how long I'm going to be in Pittsburgh for. It sounds like I have a good impression on them already because they wanted me to work New Years eve and up until Sunday for the football game day. I already thought Friday was a stretch enough, but I'm not sure how much more of a trip I'll be making of it. For some reason, I thought New Year's eve was on Sunday, but I guess I got that confused with Christmas. I was originally thinking that I was going to go to some clubs in Morgantown on Saturday night and then spend New Years eve with Mitzi, but now I have 3 different options.......... what to do...... I really don't know. I can always go to the Morgantown clubs next weekend. Do I want to push myself for more money or spend the time with my daughter? It's a tough choice. I want to spend more time with Mitzi, but need to make more money too. It's the ongoing predicament I'm already in, but I just don't know what to do yet..... Decisions decisions.....

You want me to talk more about the Copper

the attic the attic.......... not everything is clear with talk of the attic. I was severely creeped out and in terror a few months ago. I really felt it was mostly from Zack..... Zack is not the copper though, and the attic can be used as time spent in sharing whatever you would want to pull out of it........ I really don't give Wayne the credit of being the copper. I think he gives himself the credit. I don't even know the guy's name. He was several months ago when I was off and on with David. He was wanting to put David's shady bullshit on me a little more and make me feel a responsible cheater and very manipulative in making me want to feel like a prostitute. David gave me no other choice in putting up with his bullshit, and I remain his proud cheater to this day (although I stupidly felt a little more guilty about cheating at the time). ... Someone is making a big deal out of this dude I only met one time, who anyway, was rude and seemed more interested in the other women. He kind of looks like the cowboy band member off of Steve Colbert's show which I hardly ever watch either. There was one time that he made a little bit of an emotional connection in the mind and gave me a sense of comfort. He really lost me with that arbitrage violent clown scene. The random guy looked a lot like Zack too, but that was a pretty severe hate from a questionable or unknown enemy. Coming from a hole in the ground Vietnam clown. I know you've been my main focus in the past couple months while some random men have aggressively came and went and have intentionally lingered in the arbitrage, but I'm not the one who is seeking them. I'm embarrassed about it and upset because I don't like that you could feel I am betraying you. I have no other choice to be further led on by your possessiveness, but you sometimes made me question if we're done to be done, but show further interest anyway. I'm staying around with you in my figurative and literal sense 10 hours or so away on the east coast. Sometimes I feel we get closer, more connected, and a little more serious for each other, and sometimes I feel like I'm still too much of a stranger in an involuntary way. I feel more serious for you personally and I think you're more serious for me, but I still question it some. My heart breaks in some ways because while I have a piece of you in my mind, it's like there is no chance at all. In a different doubt of belief, If I had a chance with you, we're already done to be done because of some of the aggressive trip ups. Maybe you are seduced into the thought of being my "Christian," but is it all really lust? Am I cursed to heart ache because it's still all fantasies in the mind where I will always feel like I have no real chance with you? (I usually hate the terms and phrases of "having a chance" but with you, it's more exceptional. I have had my ego swings before, but you're perfect enough for now. I hope you're not as mad anymore and that you let me into your life more. xo goodnight Jack

So Much Going On

It is still hard to find the time for just about anything and everything. I can only prioritize my time. I'm glad and in relief that I am getting a money break. Last week and this week I have been able to make bank with both jobs. I have my times of luck. I'm still a little strapped for more money because of the time of year and all of the extra expenses, but trying to stay unstressed about it has been a little challenging. I'm reaching my financial goals, but not enough. It's November going on December though. I have over half of my Christmas shopping done and am still ahead in my car payments. Enough is just not enough and I can only be grateful with the recent luck of extra hours and extra tips at work. Last year around this time was much worse. I can only stay in my period of waiting until my savings and loan goals are reached. I've been on edge, but try to do what it takes to be unstressed about it all. ..... Great Wolf Lodge is a really nice place to vacation. Honestly, my favorite part about it was the beds. The bed was such a comfortable and plush bed to get some real rest. I didn't have much relaxation and had an ear infection/cold on the last day, but I at least got some rest. I had fun with Mitzi too of course. She was afraid of some of the most basic kiddie slides, but she found her thrills and fun while in the waterpark. I really wanted to go on some of the more extreme waterslides, but I couldn't because I couldn't leave Mitzi alone. So, I settled for the wave pool and followed her around in the rest of the kiddie park. Great Wolf has some other fun activities and very eccentric and unique at that too. It is a very earthy and nature centered place. It had some wizardry game to play where there were made up quests to go on. ........... I thought I'd let Mitzi have an early Christmas present today and we have already played Mario Kart. It is pretty fun. Mario Kart was so much easier back in the day. I used to make fun of the other kids who thought that moving the control was going to move the car in the right direction, but with the modern day Wiis, that's how it works! When I played my first game, I couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. When I started moving my control around a little more; I discovered that moving your control does work. I still have a hard time getting over that and that the regular arrow keys don't work. I was also surprised to find out that the toy stores have more games for the WiiU than the regular Wii. What's the fun of a smaller screen like that? The regular Wii console is so much better. .... Thanksgiving. I'm mad that the wine I got was too sweet. The meal and dessert is unhealthy enough already. I didn't want to add on that much more sugar. Oh well. At least it tastes good. I really don't plan on Black Friday shopping. While there is extra temptation to shop, I usually just pay and afford presents as I go. The clothing places I love to shop have so much of extra deals, it is so tempting to not want to take money out of my savings for some things, but I seriously don't need some clothes that bad. Maybe if I wait until cyber Monday rolls around, I'll have better deals then, but there is still the risk of the best of things being sold out or picked over. Decisions, decisions; tight budget, tight budget........... I haven't had much time in the job search yet. This week is a rough week for employment anyway because most people are preoccupied with too many other things too. I'm glad to have finished my most basic resume. While I have a better financial relief this year and the last; I'm still not happy that there was nothing I could do about the truth of the history of my resume. When bad things happen, they just do, and I can only keep working within my limits. My resume history isn't as bad this time, but I really thought that I would have had a better resume by my age. I have a long term anger where it isn't my fault that I can't make up for some of my lost time or time I felt I could have had better time. I have a lot of things to be angry over, but I try to dwell on other things and can't give up or lose my faith for a better future. I have to try to keep some optimism and hope protected in what sometimes seems the most impossible way. Losing hope is not an option....... Drama, sometimes I just have to talk about it in my own happiness or whatever reason. I wish Jack was more than just in my head sometimes. I still have a common sadness with him and a few other sadness's, but he took some of my sadness from me last night. I have been so worried in knowing I don't want to lose whatever I have with him because of recent things I can't control. I felt like I was making love to him, but there is still no full credit. While some of my sadness of some loneliness is gone too; I still get sad from time to time because I do feel lonely and know he is not all here in my life. He's my dominatrix and I can only be patient and wait. Maybe I'm making it up to him, or I'll always be cursed to the gutter. I could cry over Enya's "Only Time," again, but I'm presently feeling some satisfaction to simmer in and hoping I have given some satisfaction... In a serious horny dirty sexual way. Man I'm hoping it wasn't an intentional mean trick of just a fantasy. I'm hoping there is some truth of his in the fantasy. Damn Jack, what a fantasy. Yes I want Jack to want me to be his sex slave. I hope he stays too smart to ruin it. I hope I'm not stupidly ruining it, but I want to speak my mind sometimes. .... Such a long blog to write and so much still on my mind to yet to get out and doesn't always have to be out. I've rambled enough in my random thoughts though.

What do you mean?

What do you mean you are thrilled? Maybe you could be back to your literal world. I guess it's good that you're not unfairly vindictive or mad at me. I was hoping you would be a little jealous, but it's not that I am intentionally trying to make you jealous.... Can't control emotions... anyhoo, I bet you do have my computer hacked and know my digital routes. The Dr....... The Dr., while I find him attractive, I just don't know about him enough. The brief things I did know were enough of a sign to know I shouldn't want him. Especially if he is going to sing along with David. It's as if they have a shallow, cheap, and assumingly thinking I'm "convenient" way of wanting me. The Dr. or someone else did identify himself as Andrew Keagan at one time. Andrew Keagan off of "10 Things I hate About You," while I knew I never knew him like that, he called the shot that he was a shallow jerk and wanted me in some kind of defeat for him. I don't care if he is a Dr., he is just as too arrogant as the next guy. He did fail me in my recollection. The only story we have was him having a small subtle pass where I remained silent. I wasn't going to play with danger during my pregnancy. Time rolled a little and he seemed to have a thing for Stacy who is one of my top most serious enemies. He is another idiot who doesn't recognize the dangerous person I am when he wants to play me with my enemies. I still never shut up with her vain rapist bitch. Whoever David thought he was at one time and whoever this Dr. thinks he is has another thing coming to him with the impression he left on me. Although I feel like a broken record "Who do people think they are?" I'm still not giving up on my broken record. HOW COULD SOME MEN WHO HAVE ALREADY FUCKED UP OR MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE KEEP COMING AFTER ME LIKE I'M THAT EASY AND THEY HAVE THE MOST SERIOUS CHANCE WITH ME? I'm sick of getting beat up like that..... In all fairness, the Dr. does have some attractiveness to him. It's like you would give the explanation as to why he wants me is because of the assumption of him thinking that I would be that easy and willing of a doormat for him. No, I'm not willing to be his doormat and be taken advantage of like that. He doesn't seriously want me enough, and according to you, he wants me for his own bad intention. If he did want me enough and could find a way to prove it, he would have to find a way to prove it then, and it is back to the start with how bad of a first impression he made on me, AND HOW IS HE GOING TO EXPLAIN THAT? ....I was going to wait to see if the Dr. had something more to say for himself, but since you're around, I guess I get to be the first to have my rant against him. If you're on his side, whyever are you on his side? Do you seriously have a personal connection to him? I don't know Italian, and I had no clue what his message was in the movie "To Rome with Love." I didn't get half of the movie and personally thought it was a very boring and very random movie. I got lied about twice with Penelope. Like Cory ever paid me, and like I'd expect it. So much dominate gossip on me leads me to where I am. I have been looking for another job, and havn't been having much luck yet. Gotta keep moving.

The Sentinel

Man that was a crazy movie. I'm not big on horror movies, even the ones way back in the day. was that the 70s 80s? I guess the earlier ones are a little less horrific, but "The Sentinel," still got a scare out of me. The ending had one freak show after another, so because of that and waiting to see what would really happen, the terror lost some of its terror. I didn't like the ending at all. Her life was the result of a random bad choice in unknowingly picking a haunted house to live in. I don't mean to bash on nuns too much and have nothing serious against them. It was the fact she had to finish the rest of her days disturbed, blind, and alone. She could have been married and had a normal life hadn't her heroic fiancé go chicken shit on the priest. The poor guy; he was really trying to be her hero. That whole ending was so freakish. ............ In another route, you making fun of the way I talk in my sleep? With you and occasional others who watch me from time to time: I don't know if it is drones, satellites, some kind of camera or telepathy where some crazy connections are made, but I have still yet to understand what it all is and how the telepathy works. I really have high anxiety sometimes Jack, and I don't take you joking around with me too personally. Sometimes it is terrible blind siding tests and interrogations where I'm too weakened to take it, and other times it is real stresses and anxieties. I'm glad the way you have been recently in my mind; it feels like such a utopia. It was weird the way I wasn't feeling well today. I didn't think I had that much to drink last night, but I felt hungover all day with a headache and feeling a little nauseous. I'm coming off from all of my cold medicine and some of it hasn't completely flushed out of my body and probably had the side effect with the alcohol.... I don't mind talking about some of my emotional well-being too much. I have a few reasons to be sad/angry/depressed, but I wouldn't consider myself a completely depressed person. I couldn't describe myself as Kevin Gates "I don't get tired," song either, but I'm a busy person who keeps mostly busy. I wish I could be at home more with Mitzi, but I have to keep myself moving and financially productive. I'm hoping to reach a better satisfaction soon towards reaching my goals and getting ahead. Anyhoo, I hope things are well on your end. I'm sure you're busy and still have some wonder to what is going on in your neck of the woods. Have a goodnight! xo

As The Sarah Turns

Where do I begin?...... I think I'll talk about some of the VIPs first... lol ... When at my night job; I mostly see my job as an adult entertainer for what it is. I don't make a relationship out of any or every customer. Whatever has happened in my own sights or blindnesses, I personally see both Angelina and Brad as dear people. I really don't know how to react to Brad. I think I could take him as a friendly person who doesn't want me to be depressed or on the crazy depressed side. Maybe I'm naïve to either, or but I think they mean to be supportive of me. It's almost like they could get away with making me their "love child" the most lol haahhaahaaha but it's not that its that. Maybe they are the ones out to conquest me with their relationship idealism, and could be the most responsible people that I could yell at who want my conformity, but they have never appeared to be barbaric with their ideals..... Brad, seriously, the swinging/ open relationship lifestyle is something that I find to be very depressing, and I seriously do not want it to work in my life. Other than that, I really don't know what all I should know, or if there was another way to act or react, what I should be reactive for... Peace to you both..... The other VIP is Jack White. He's still on my mind, and I'm glad that he breaks in my mind on occasion. I'm stuck on him and crushing on him for now. I don't feel majorly led on or that he could want to be in a serious relationship. I'm just stuck on him for now and don't really want to keep an open mind to other men. I may eventually get over my crush, but I just wouldn't feel right in looking for another man. ... I think I have figured out Travis and maybe there is more of Travis to figure out, and while he still has a strong push and pull, I still can't give in to him. I can't be accepting with what he wants..............Zack, while I haven't seen the actual local Zack in awhile, he is still around and in my head. He's playing an extremely unsafe game with me and things have never been clear with the way he has started off on the wrong foot. Zack, I've already made a nigger and bastard out of David for the way he was keeping me played with Paris and several other women. I did not let him get away with it. I will not let you get away with it. Zack, I seriously do not trust you at all. I don't mean to lead you on. I am an obvious tease of a dancer, but I don't mean to lead you on. I got over you quickly after the first ordeal and plan on staying over you. There was never anything else established, and you are seriously off on the wrong and most distrusting foot.... As for David, I am still done. The Stockholm was never denied and I know I still can't deny a present one. Whatever David's problem is, he should seriously let go, give up on his Stockholm, and accept it for the serious break up it has been. I am keeping David denied. ..... and after appearing as such a player with these few men, maybe I will run them all off.

chit chat

Jack, ..... I just listened to the one song of the Cobra, and won't have the chance to listen to other songs by the band today. Are you underestimating my intelligence? If I still "dig" the song, that must mean I still have got the heat for David. lol. I'd be careful with the stupid tests too. So, I have been having some emotions against David, but I still see myself in the "getting over him" boat. Have you ever seen "Along came Polly?" You could kind of be my Polly. lol. Not an exact description. If David is throwing himself on me a backwards way with Ozzy and putting words in my mouth "apologizing to your mistress," that is all on David. You both seem to fight me in the head some and there is an unspeakable and taboo kill that would happen no matter which one I'd pick. Jack, maybe you are too catalyzed by some structures with certain whorish types of people be normalized. It's rock and roll baby. I still hate the fascism of it. I've lived with some extreme circumstances and pressures and more than I can handle at times but BUT, no. David may squeeze one or two more cries out of me, but I feel that I was so used to his pattern months ago, that I mostly got over him and never let myself have a full attachment. I'd believe that he and Gillian have had the biggest love affair going on. I know he's played me with several other women. I even told him after a few months in: my actions do not matter, even if I stayed the celibate that I have been, and not got into any relationships or sleeping around with other men, it wouldn't have mattered and he would have been the same cheater. I've already proved myself right several times. I hate being forced to stay in a relationship of that nature. I've known better than to be in relationships like that. He never cared about gaining my trust enough; he ever cared about me enough. He never understood just how big the issue of trust was and how it affected everything. Besides sexually cheating on me; I know he has never given me his vulnerability and probably did give it to Gillian and his ex. It doesn't matter now. I think its funny we could be looked at with "Grease." Hello you were my fascist match from the start. I did use the dead weather music to want to beat some people up. Another thing for me to fear would be a relationship that I never knew I had with you, but I just can't see you as Josh. You're a rocker who came from somewhere, picked me up, dolled me up, and rocked with me. I don't know how much of a doll I am to you. Just as with any other Draper, I would expect a normal conversation from you. I almost picked out a corset dress to doll myself up, but I thought it would have just been too much. I'd have made myself feel awkward with questionable lingerie attire. I still got myself a sexy party dress. I was wanting to tell you that I don't want you to feel too much pressure with the situation with David and I. I get uncomfortable if I make you feel too obligated. I'd still be upset if you weren't in Nashville and at one of the shows. Are you still touring with Beyoncé or are you in Nashville most of the time? I hope to see you, and a hintful question makes me believe you have some interest so it's not all oligation, but I don't want you to feel obligated. I could go to your record store, buy a t-shirt and I still know what I've done. Here's my sign. lol I hope you're well Jack. ttyl xo

Push Push Push

Sometimes, I put too much on my plate with things to be done. I missed the inflatable 5k today and I'm upset. I tossed and turned most of the night last night and once again, I am my own victim to insomnia. I probably had at least 2-3 full hours of sleep, but when my alarm went off, I just wasn't feeling it. My wave was supposed to start 10 mins earlier from now. People are already on their way through the course. The weather reporting was too hot. I just couldn't picture myself running a full 5k through 95 degree heat. I think it is supposed to be up to 98 today. I just wasn't motivated enough to get up. There is one more in August I plan on, or I'll just have to try harder to look up another one. So much for going out and eating spaghetti. Still a good meal. I'll have to make up for some of it later on the treadmill probably tomorrow. My money still gets to go to charity, so I still have something to feel good about......... I added on one more craft show to the usual ones I have this year. It's a big one and all the way in Ocean City. I'm looking forward to it. On the way home, I'll probably add a stripper stop. It is between Atlantic City and Philadelphia. I've never been to either. Philadelphia would probably be the more convenient one. It would be a little bit of a thrill to take a ferry to Atlantic City. I've never been on a ferry before, but I'm not too sure of what I think of going to Jersey. I think that after all my crafting shows are done in the fall is when I'll start looking for another job other than stripping. For now, stripping probably would be the best convenient job to have with the number of things I have to juggle right now. I still don't have enough time but trying to keep the perfect balance of time and money is the main goal to keep.

Mr. Obvious

I know you're watching me.....I'm sorry I don't know your name. ... hmmmm. ok. So, I talk to the arbitrage in my life sometimes. I never said that it was always clear... You do look like Jack a little but I never meant to take anything too personal with you. Bit you some. You have a little bit of an unfair aggression and if I were to read your mind, I would guess you were giving yourself a lot of credit and looking at me with: "what's a man to do?" I do find you to be attractive and obviously so. I have a lot of men in my life who are my problem and the most common problem you look is another player who wants to play. I'm a bit of a Don Draper in my own right. I can be snobby at times. I seriously keep a lot of my drama and thoughts to myself. I don't let a lot of people in. My sense of independence greatly matters to me. While I can't put the movie "wicked" on you as I can with a certain few men in the arbitrage; I guess I could say I felt a little threatened by you. But, I personally was meaning to mind my own business with you and Paris specifically as a couple. She seems to be playing a certain number of men and I hear she has an official boyfriend, but if I have any point with Paris, I'm seriously not out to make a friend of her or get close with her. I don't like the way she feels the need to butt in some of my business. I don't like the way she sometimes gets a little too dominate or controlling either. A lot of it is from a distance and I plan on wanting to protect the distance. .... I don't believe you are fully gay either. If you're going to be called "gay" I would call you bisexual. I'm sorry I don't know your name Mr. Obvious. You have your own abstractness in some of the arbitrage and you probably did pierce me in some of it. I don't know if you are one of my "death eaters," but maybe you could want to fill my mind with lots of doubt, possible lies, attacking words, and reasons to be depressed. I don't always know where something comes from. I'm obviously in a weakened state of being and I don't want to be played right now. I'm more of the serious type overall. You look mad but please be gentle. .... ~fading and knowing I can't entirely disappear ~ ............

Just Random

Can't make up my mind with several things..... Do I want to work tomorrow night or Saturday? I'm so anxious to shop and get all of my shopping done before the trip to Baltimore but I think I'd be more pressed for time if I worked tomorrow than on Saturday. I'd be pressed for time either way... Another thing. I've narrowed down my choices for a club to dance at, but I don't know which to decide. One of them that I was thinking was "Scores," but I know it is a highly sport themed club. I have a little bit of an association with Joe, but I think it could be too much pressure, awkward, or I may be setting myself up to fail. If I go to another that is not themed around sports; I might not be under as much stress. Baltimore is a stressful city alone. .... This month has been a little rough. I'm still hoping to make it to Pittsburgh next month but I may have to wait until August. And then, I still have yet to decide which other ones I want to go to. I did see 2 other clubs while reading a magazine in a local random location, but I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I need to make bank in Baltimore. I still havn't heard back from my taxes. I had a little bit of an assumption that I could be receiving my federal back because I got my state back and the only delayed question from the federal was in regards to my insurance and not my student loans. I'm thinking if it went to my student loans; I would have had that notice by now, but I have to wait it out longer to discover whether or not I'll be getting my taxes...... anxious in time

Summer Time

While I don't have my life completely the way I want it; I am excited for summer and my summer plans. I have a few marathons to run and a stripper bucket list to plan for before I am finished with my stripping career. I mostly feel too old for it and will eventually find another job to migrate to. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. Anyway, Baltimore will be my first stop. I will be doing both a marathon and plan on stripping for a few days before while there. It's a getaway to make a little more further plans for. Pittsburgh is another place I plan to go, and haven't decided what other places I want to visit. Because I'm more skilled and know what I'm doing more, I'm sure the trips will pay off after all of the expenses. I may have to plan for a place in a random way. Sometimes, flights are super cheap on hotwire, and if I find one with a place that looks appealing enough, I just may have myself an easy deal. Unless I get extra lucky while working, I don't plan on going on vacation this year. My main objective is to save save save and save as much money as I can to move out of the house. Mitzi and I can still do some cheaper things and we'll probably go to the amusement park and get a boat on the lake a couple times throughout the summer. While my mind is filled with plans for the summer, I still have so many things on my mind and feel overwhelmed. I have my own load of plans and things to plan for to take on. I have a lot to brainstorm about in finding my next job which will be within a year most likely. Will I find a place to relocate while finding another job, or will I make the official move to Morgantown? Morgantown really isn't a bad place. It has lots of restaurants and shopping. There is a lot to do, and while it's not a big city, it's still a large town. It's a college party town which is good in some ways but not a main target of a place to raise a child or want to raise more children. Morgantown is still a decent area. I really have no clue where else I'd want to move; I haven't been able to get out enough like that. Until then, I go through the same routine and try to keep my sanity the best that I can.

Random

I'm going to be stuck with my Brown hair for awhile. It isn't that I feel that I look bad with my brown hair; I had just planned to get it highlighted. My hair test strip turned out as the beautician expected: very awful. The root color didn't change at all and made my hair break and look very fried looking at the ends. It really was a first for me to see something like that. I have been through 3 or 4 highlighting sets, but I didn't think my hair could ever break off like that. I have to wait a good bit of time for my hair to be highlighted again. ........... I shopped a little extra to vent my anger and make up for the fact that I can't highlight my hair. I spent a little more than usual, but the things I spent my money on were not entirely random. There were things that have been on my list for awhile that I finally got around to splurging on. I'll just have to pick up an extra shift and work 4 nights this upcoming week... Oh well. ... I'm having a hard time getting a grip on my life and the status quo it is right now. I feel such a mind block. I have a period of not knowing what to do or what to do with myself. I can't relax or be at ease enough. It is like I need to fight but don't completely know how or what to fight. I can't stand feeling deceived or lied to, and I'm at such an angst to discover some information that I most likely don't want to know. I have a certain fear of the unknown: more gangsterism, damnation, despair, possible more terrible things to have to find out about. I've always felt a loss of control over my life and can't bear the thought of losing more. I'm in a panic where I can't give myself enough of a relief or know what to do about yet. On edge.............

Diego

Putting a spell on me again.... I really don't know where you came from or why you want me. I believe in your jealousy, violence, possessiveness, and your vindictive threats. Your love and hate does hurt. I feel liked I'm ravished and ravaged to be your slave wife. How much do you really love me, and how much is it just about your possessiveness and dominance? It hurts with the way I don't think you care about how I feel enough. I know that there is a certain way that it is unfair of me to expect something more of you and treat me a little better after I've had my own ways of cheating on you, leaving you, and being my own mean. While you did see the way that I was rejecting you and running from you as the sign of your win and knowing that I care; you take me as yours with you being the one to decide, while any choice that I could make is nonexistent. You further want to be vindictive and possessive. I am left with my own same impression that this is another bullshit and unfair relationship where you want to be that possessive and make me your wifey and where I am left with an impossible belief that we will ever meet again in person. That we will never be in a normal relationship. While there is a certain way you have me better won than other certain possessive men; it is still a square one of a miserable and unfair relationship. Is it that it is just you and I, or are you out to be a mega pig and further terrorize me with bigamy? polygamy? Nothing can change the fact you have HIV. You still have several small horror stories tied to you. I don't understand why you never let go or would mutually give up on me? I really can't bear to put up with another violent and unfair pig. I know it probably is something for me to expect or ask more of you and to have a better relief than that, but I do expect to be better won if you want to be that possessive.