Random

These past couple weeks have been very frustrating. I have weeks where it isn't hard to plan and stick to a schedule at all. With how much I have wanted to stick with a planned schedule last week and this week; it has been impossible with too many hurdles. There is not enough time already and now there is really not enough time with Christmas just a few days away. I did a dipshit move about a week ago which cost me over 100.00 to get my entire break light fixed. I wasn't crossing my T's and dotting my i's enough when putting my car in reverse and accidentally hit a mailbox. (The mailbox stood strong). With the way Pittsburgh roads are and just how narrow some are, it isn't difficult for a person to get a few bangs and bruises on their car, but some simple dipshit move of mine was costly. It was costly on top of another car repair that I will be getting fixed very soon. It is just too frustrating to have so many expenses in this month. A person can't but help to want to shop for their self with all the deals and steals that go on. Shopping is so irresistible. … In my other self demands, I have had a strong urge to go to the casino in the past few weeks. I really meant to go today. Instead, I got a little more Christmas shopping done and had to wait to get my car fixed. I also chose to go the long haul with the calls. One call took me too much across town from the casino that by the time that I would have traveled to the casino, I wouldn't have enough time at all. I can at least feel some sense of satisfaction and responsibility with the extra amount of money that I made, but I can't stand to have to keep postponing my free time and the fun I could be having. As much as I want to get out this week; I most likely won't be able to. I will be stuck with my same drill and routine with getting last minute Christmas shopping done and taking some Uber calls. … While I am glad to get one home project out of the way, I still have a little ways to go in getting ready for the dating scene. I see a major change of pace in the next couple of months after I get through with some projects and I am a little antsy about the dating. Although I can't get out as much as I want, am I really ready to settle down? I plan on including in the online dating site that I am definitely a type that likes to get out and go on dates, but I have a minor phobia when finally finding just one. It isn't that I've ever wanted more than one. It is a much different state of being serious with someone even though some bollywoods occasionally want to make me feel some seriousness is there. I've always been wanting to break away more and more from the bollywoods but that has always been the only thing that seems to have been there. It is still not the acceptable status quo. I have a few other minor phobias towards the dating scene and I am hoping that in the long run it would be worth it to endure going through some minor phobias to find the right match. Even when a person is not even completely in love right away, it is still work to find, to date, to be in a relationship with someone. The better the match, the less work it will feel. It is what I would believe to be true anyway. I feel I will have my last few solo independent pre-bachelorette parties before being more serious in the dating scene. I gotta have a few more serious weekend clubbing nights and a one night stand or two. I will get some of the party out of my system and then let myself feel too old to have such a bachelorette lifestyle. I have a month or two to spare before I get some home projects done....

Random Thoughts

I had another weekend where I just didn't win either way. I did attempt to go out. I wore a dress and had one drink at a bar I went to eat at. It was one of those nights where I was going to both go out and get some calls in between places to just add a few more calls in. I should have made myself get a cup of coffee or a latte prior because one call after the restaurant, I was exhausted. I took two more calls anyway, but knew I was going to go home. The thought of cuddling up in my bed with my new flannel sheet set was all I really wanted to do. When I do what I want to do, it was it's small win. But, if I wasn't going to even go out, it should have been a night where I still had an overload of calls and made more of my time. I was too tired and I still have a little regret in not getting some coffee, but my bed was so comfy and I was asleep 2 mins after laying down. Nothing too thrilling. With all the things I have to be anxious of, I just didn't help myself out enough this weekend. I made decent money but could have made so much more if I had meant and focused on wanting to work more. What kept me working some on Friday was that I had my first puke incident with a customer. Fortunately, it was around 1 am, so he didn't take all my hours, but I could have gotten about another hour and a half in with the boost money. I just couldn't be kind or patient with this one and kept him scolded with: "How could you not feel your puke coming? I always know when I am going to throw up." While I didn't see him, I sure heard him. It was kind of when an unintentional cough, burp, or sneeze comes out, but most people just know when they are going to puke. I even pulled over and tried to coax him to get the rest of it out, and he was like, "no seriously, I'm really done." He didn't do it another time and was very apologetic and I let him feel like shit with a small apology "I'm sorry you're sick but..." I've heard of people charging people 50.00 through Uber for it, but I never reported it to Uber. He only had 10.00 in cash that he gave me and I asked for another 15.00 in the tip part of the app where he never made the deal he said he would. "I'll give you anything you ask for," is what he said. Inconsiderate liar..... I made some close to extreme choice with the spending this week and my best excuse is that it is Christmas time. The second excuse was over how much pain I've been in lately and especially in being broke either way and having had too much of a torment when it comes to shopping. I've had so many items and stores in mind where I am just dying and in torment to want to buy some things that I just can't get around to buying. I had a couple of important splurges and then a slightly guilty one. I knew I would neither feel better or worse with the excuses and circumstances but in a couple of weeks from now I just may be kicking myself with "why can't I be more strict with myself and get out of my rut?" I do have several serious long term spending goals that I can't reach either. Tax season is just a couple of months away and I am hoping for a definite refund with childcare, and the expenses I have with my car. I usually can get back in a better financial line when I get the money back. I was able to pay off one entire loan last year and used another chunk of money on another one....There is so much I wish I could change with the status quo I have right now in working so many hours, but I know I am still so much better off than I was before. I think the issue of the status quo will never change in this lifetime and that people will always want more and there will always be more to want in life. I still wish my status quo was better. I always seem to get both closer and further away in being able to make it change more. I'm glad to finally have bought my kitchen chairs but this place still needs more décor. I wish I could afford to get a garage with all of my extra crafting storage. My bedroom definitely looks like a hoarder's domain. I wish I could afford to take more time off to have more fun nights, date nights, and social life days for Mitzi and I both. Mitzi at least has girl scouts for now. I was hoping I could have my start in January, but it probably won't be until after tax season that I can cut back on the work hours. It is Christmas.

Just Random

This past weekend was a nightmare and just that. Sprightly Finesse didn't do as well as what I thought it would either. I had an entire Saturday at one of the better malls in Pittsburgh. A few malls, especially the one in Baldwin, are severe ghost malls that were once 2 or 3 stories with now only 2 or 3 stores. I thought the location I had would have been the best location that I have had yet, but I have really sold more with less of an expense. One thing I have been selling less of altogether are my higher quality scarves. I am pondering with how much it has to do with the way they are displayed. When I had them on the table; the scarves sold much better. Ever since I've put them on racks, I haven't had as many sales. I'm thinking of going back to adding on another table, but it is a pretty tough choice. I have too many scarves for just one table, and if I were to find a way to organize and display them on the table, I am going to have to purchase more of the display accessories where my mind just can't think with how I will fit all of those scarves on one table. I could always keep some in back stock until some sell, but I'm not crazy about that thought either. I'm going too much into detail with my committee board meeting of Sprightly Finesse and the details aren't necessary. I'm just frustrated with how much more of a skilled knit my scarves are than before but they sold better in their earlier years... It is such a big task to browse and search for another crafting event and I haven't decided if I will browse, or just wait until the next year comes around...……. Man drama. Francisco keeps himself a questionable man and hasn't opened up enough or gotten closer. He has had a recent visit in the head despite a few more boats coming around and I stay frustrated with whoever keeps choosing the boat traffic in my Bermuda. They come in my islands and waters on their own. I don't like the uncontrollable feeling with the boat and plane traffic. God save me. Anyway, whether it is just me or he is playing me with someone, he is keeping me included in the arbitrage. I'm still disagreeable to the mystery and unfairness of it. I have a strong feeling that Francisco isn't as random as he looks and he must have said or done something very damaging against me and is a typical conquestial guy about it. He could be another terrible McGuyver who doesn't want to understand and just wants me to succumb to his popularity contest and fascism, but he is too mysterious and quiet. I know nothing for sure with Francisco. He still tugs on me. Francisco I love you too and wave goodbye as I know I will be going out this weekend to throw myself to the wind. I don't know whether or not I will go home with some random stranger, but I will make myself look very single and available. You make no sense to me, I make no sense to you Francisco. I don't know why we aren't bar hopping or clubbing together and going out as couple should. As long as I am the single and lonesome woman I am, my ship is setting it's own sail. goodbye I love you too goodbye. bon voyage.

Talking You Ear Off

Am I really? As I write this; I have a feeling that I might as well just keep talking to a brick wall. I've been writing blogs for years. It is the only thing I feel I can do in my defenselessness sometimes. Other times, when I still have things I could write about, I just don't and give up on trying to reach people who always play deaf, dead, or dumb. Today, I feel like chancing myself more. I've tried to reach Bollywood men before and it is so depressing trying to reach you and establish some things I've always tried to establish and have to resay some things I've already said..... Ok, so it is a combination of your Bollywood conversation and the same outlook and rehash... So, you say you are being safe with me as much as you can. NO YOU AREN'T. I appreciate that you would care about safety with me and will dodge being compulsive and a thrill seeker, but what you think you could be safe and what I think could be safe obviously are two different things. Through the years I have grown very casual and desensitized with Bollywood but that doesn't take away the danger of it. You don't know how it feels to be isolated and alone in wonder the way I do. You don't get the instant degradation you make me feel from the start with the unfairness and disadvantage that YOU put me in. I have several different trail to go down: 1. The devils advocate. I really can understand to a decent extent why some relationships have to be secret. When we only want to be each others focal points we do. I don't know the level of disrespect you could face on a day to day basis, but I understand how it feels to be interrupted, for someone to stand in my way, for someone to take control of a relationship or situation. People do intentionally mean to insult me as being stupid or harass me with an intentional will to make me feel molested. Sometimes it is as if other people were a butt end of my joke in an arbitrage where I really was minding my own business and I was being reframed in my blindside as if I was going to control it all.. Anyway, how can the relationship grow and be a little more deeper when others want to stand in the way and be the dominate? It is such a disrespectful, insulting, and rude way some people with no common sense can act.... 2. HOWEVER, I just can't trust you enough with the paranormal that it is. We are still not an official item. Rather than imaginary boyfriend, you are my imaginary husband, but pretty much like an imaginary boyfriend anyway. THERE IS NO REAL LEGITIMACY. THERE IS NO SENSE IN ANYTHING WHERE THERE IS NO LEGITIMACY. It is almost as if you would easily succumb to whatever person's whatever reason to blackmail the either of us. Pride and fearlessness just can't be denied. I hate a person's controlling threat in a blackmail to my fullest extent where I will be humiliated and failed time after time after time after time for 1000s of times because I hate a person's will to want to put me in fear and feel they deserve the worst right of control with blackmailing lies or truth. Sometimes I can be hard to understand with refusing to be blackmailed and refusing to be tested at the same time...….. 3. While I am letting myself go on you some and letting you in on me some, I'm still at odds with you. I just can't call you prissy rich boy poodle dog, but there is a connection and a need I really need from you: A greater sense of protection, safety, and respect. All too often I feel the most taken advantage of. I want you to know I'm glad I can do it for you and it really matters to me that I can. I'm glad you can do it for me too. I like the fantasy of us making sweet love together. While I more than mean to make some guys run and live in fear of being called a rapist, don't you dare get overly manipulative with me where I would lie to you and lead you on on purpose just to call you a rapist. I'm not denying at all that I want you. If I knew there were some certain circumstances that I was under with you, I would deny wanting you. It is not as hard as you make it, and it isn't as simple as some would make it in wanting to be quick to molest a woman when a guy stays way to deaf or dumb with no common sense in what some circumstances are. Right now, I can't strongly believe anything for or against you as a gangster. I don't know a strong enough belief or reason to deny you in some right senses. I want to keep you denied for being a Bollywood, and I do in some ways, but your seduction just gets too strong on me. You have a resilience I don't understand and I hope it isn't that you are using someone's violence and rejection to look at me with "you are so bull dozed that I just might as well take you like taking candy from a baby." I wish I knew a better way to word what I'm trying to say because it just doesn't sound right....... 5. Baby, I really have been in a lot of long term pain that makes me angrier sometimes more than others. I'm too mad and too proud to be too embarrassed over the damaged woman I am. I have some embarrassment and I sit there and wonder "why me?" "why am I so extremely and violently hated on? Why do I get so violently and terribly mistreated the way I do?" And, I don't want to be fixated on my pain but need a man I can trust and who will make me feel some kind of protection...………….. 6. A denial that I can't handle: when someone doesn't understand what it means to be a stalker, intruder, or barbarian. When an intruder wants to compare me to their self when I know I have always had and deserved the right to defend myself. When an intruder argues that they deserve to intrude, put me in bondage, or make me a basement slave; I have been terrorized and threatened with any of the above plenty of times and words just can't describe how it makes me feel when someone argues to say they deserve to have the right. It is straight up rape and murder to me in a lot of instances. You are technically an intruder of mine that I'm trying to work on and who does have me seduced and some small level of trust. What would you do if you were at home alone on your couch and watching tv or just doing something relaxing and minding your own business and a stranger or foe uninvited just barges into your house not even knocking on the door and acts like they own the house and you? They just kick their feet up, start asking or already knowing and demanding some of your very personal life like it was their business and something they should control? … I have people who live in a lot of deception and keep desperately wanting to take me for my worth with their bullshit drama and don't recognize at all the stalker and intruder they are? They have the worst sadistic way "what's wrong Sarah?" they have never added "did I invade your space? did I take your privacy? Did I intrude?" Their sadism is too vain and narcissistic to EVER EDMIT the intruder they are. whatever is wrong is what they say is wrong and I am whatever blow up doll they want to make of me. …. Just today I was blindsided and poked at with "Mary Ann" off of Gilligans island with someone looking over my shoulder, judging, and exploiting me with money problems. On msn with one instance just today. This is an instance that happens often and I don't even know who keeps acting like they have me owned and where it comes from half of the time. It is a constant terror to my face that I'm being intruded and exploited LIKE IT HAS NEVER BEEN A CRIME TO INTRUDE ME. In conversation with you, I'm lucky to have 3 bills covered with the skin of my teeth with today and tomorrow but I am an EXTREMELY PROVOKED WOMAN. I have several different kinds of chronic pain and it is no lie that I do want some murdered with just how seriously of a sexual offense and assault they are when they want to threaten me with their crackhead judgement and lies. It is no lie that I want to hack away and gun down some serious inferior dominant sex offenders that come and go time to time. Sometimes I am blind sided and other times it is Jon, Jim, or an occasional random guy...…….. 7. I'm talking your ear off and dumping a lot on you and I'm sad because I feel like I will always be talking in to air but I try to break out of the Stockholm and I try to get people in my life for real and I wish you would understand your Stockholm is not safe with me. I need you in my life.

Random Thoughts and Talk

I think you might want to go somewhere with me Jimmy, but you leave me hanging with no specifics..... You are hanging out with John Atchison and either want us to talk about something or be together. I will not ever want to be in any relationship with John in this lifetime. I would consider him to have an extreme chauvinism that I would never want to live or deal with. I'm insulted and hurt that you would open an inch of a door for him with the history I have had and the way he treated me. With the other places you go, I find it hard to believe that you would have suggestion for him. It is contradicting. What is it that you would have to say? …… Speaking of a John, is another "Jon," and it is not Jon Stewart and a guy who looks a lot like you. I have only seen him once and boy did it seem that both you and him were very arbited today. I saw your look alikes everywhere and it bothers me to know I have seen this Jon only one time and I wouldn't recognize him if I saw him again. Unless I do get another delivery call with the same place, name, and appearance; I won't be able to guess to recognize him. I am pretty sure that that was his name on a particular delivery call...…. It is like he could be his own person but he could also be used as a senator that you Jimmy and Jon just have too much in common and he was only used as some communication tool. I saw a distant and simple rehash and some visual signs today but I'm not sure what to think or believe about everything. It is distant with no real tangible communication. I know something is going on, but I don't know what is going on. It sucks that this guy's name is "Jon." I don't think he wants to make too much of his real name and it is nothing to worry about. I really think he could have been picking on me with wanting to hook up. If he is such a dominate guy and can have some kind of Stockholm the way he does, he should be capable of meeting me in person. I am terrified of the thought that someone would let the other John Atchison have control over my life with a Stockholm but I believe this Jon to be his Jon of his own.... While there is a little relief with someone who still is a stranger, he still does have me frustrated with his god complex some, but he could be another man where "maybe it is best for us to not ever meet or be together." I don't know Jimmy. All I know is something is going on with you and this guy. ….. I have been frustrated with work and wish I could go out tonight or have more time but just chose to stay in. I've had a couple of new things going on that is somewhat of a deal, but nothing too eventful. What I need is more eventful things going on but I've just been too busy in my work and oppression. I finally got a kitchen table and cheap chairs to go with it for now. I finally got rid of Bam Bam and don't have too much of a regret. I was a little sad and could have made myself cry if I wanted to when giving him away but I just didn't cry. As much as Mitzi complained about him with me, she cried, and I felt awful to put her heart through a little more hardship. It was hard for her to move out of Cumberland and say goodbye to everyone she had known. I wish I would have been able to move out sooner so it wouldn't have been such a heart break for her. I will eventually force myself to sign up for a dating site because I don't know how I am going to find any men anytime soon. I will have some kind of peace of mind when I get some dating sight profile done. I still have to get my air conditioning fixed and work is extra oppressive without it being fixed in being that I can only do food deliveries. I have to work longer and even more recently with some more cuts here and there than compared to past times. Summer is obviously a slower season with less boosts and bonuses..... I still don't know what other job I would look for. Something online but it is the flexibility and convenience I love the most about uber. It isn't always convenient with the time it takes.... I wish I had more free time.

Random Thoughts

I always have so many things going on. While there have always been negative and terrible things; my life is in the medium/ middle. It still isn't what I would idealize a regular medium to be, but I don't feel too awful right now. I'm doing what I can to manage my time management and budget but things don't always work out the way that I want them to. I'm not ahead of my bills enough where I can have two nights out a week, but I'm not in the hole too much. I needed the nights out more than I needed to worry about the money. While I can't call myself the biggest ho, I'm almost at my biggest level of ho-dome, but can't say I'm as much of a hoe as I've ever been. I'm a ho with both real guys and Bollywood. (I went back to Tequila Cowboys and found me a cowboy) I feel comfortable though. I feel good. Sometimes, I hate being thrown in the next dead end Bollywood relationship where I can't help but fall for a guy some. It's not that I've given up on being emotional altogether; it's just nice to not have to care or feel all of the emotional worries or drama and feeling like there will always be no point. As long as some men will always be too self-centered or heartless with me, they just will. Most men are scarecrows or tin-mens who either have no heart or brain or both. You have to have some kind of brain to have some kind of heart in some certain instances. I don't have any expectations with anyone right now. If a guy would have a certain expectation or approach from me; I usually have some kind of expectation in return. It always always always takes two to tango. I feel mostly good about being mostly carefree in this past week; I was fine in being single. .... Although I wish my finances were better I can't regret the way I spent my money too much. Spending a lot on Mitzi's birthday was one punch to the wallet but it was worth it to know I'm trying to make her happy and keep her cheered up in some ways. I have my regular set of bills to pay in my mind, and then I have all of these random expenses which mostly can't be controlled. I did make a decent amount of money for the week, but the ride wasn't as smooth as I wanted it to be. I can only keep fixing the small mistakes in my end with my time management while dealing in impatience with the uncontrollable hustle and bustle of the busy city.

Random Thoughts

A lot has been going on lately and I have been busy as usual. I'm going through a major life change of getting another job which is something that I have wanted and have been thinking about in the past few months. I wasn't thrilled with my status quo but it was doable. I put my resume out there and was surprised to get so many responses. A lot of it was insurance companies, but I had a few that were in other positions as well. Cumberland was the worst despair of a hell hole in wanting to find a job. When I pretty much had no other choice to be a stripper at one point, I pretty much had no other choice. I enjoyed it though. There was always things I could be reminded of while on the job that this feminist knew she would hate, but I had my fun. This isn't the particular job I'm talking about though. I quit dancing around November. Every one in awhile I do the online thing but I'm so-so about it. I don't always have the time for it, and the time that I do have is when I'm already too tired. Does it matter that I still would? If I've already put myself out there before online and as a dancer, does it matter whether or not that I still would? Would it make a difference or have an effect on me? Right now, I don't care too much about the consequences and it is only a small wonder. I could get online anytime I feel like, but a lot of times I'm tired, impatient, and don't always make a significant enough amount of money... Back to my main focus, I'm both excited and anxious about the new job. I had one other job that is still open for me should I choose to go back to it which I'm very grateful for. It was a tough choice in deciding between the two jobs, but I chose to go with the business consultant one. They are both commissioned jobs but I think I'll have better starting luck with the one I chose. They both had their ups and downs. I know I would have liked the hours better with the insurance job. They would both be decent money in the long run and the business consultant won't always be the same hours once I am done with the program. It is still a good two years at the most and a set schedule I will be stuck with for awhile. ................... This Easter weekend. It was a tough choice too. I really need my personal breaks from Mitzi every now and then. Not everything is always convenient. Her grandparents live a good 5 hours away and driving back and forth is no cake walk. So many places are closed on Easter, so I wouldn't have been able to work either way. I could have traditionally taken her to church with me which is something we haven't done in a long time which I wouldn't mind doing every once in awhile. I just never have the time for it. When I need the money; I just do. But, she will be with her grandparents. I'm looking forward to all of the time that I'm having with myself up until this Sunday. While having a one night stand is something that is always possible, I'm seriously thinking about getting into one this weekend. I'll push him into giving me a little company Easter day and invite him to go to the casino or a movie or even somewhere to eat with me. It'd be Dutch. I just don't want to go to church on my own without Mitzi. It just wouldn't be the same. All the families would be there together and I'm a single mom whose kid is elsewhere. I just wouldn't like feeling out of place without Mitzi...... I thought about calling up this dude I met last weekend, but I think I did scare him off when I mentioned I was 5 years older with a kid (he never called). While I saw a few guys at tequila cowboy who was older than me, I felt too old to be there wanting to club around with a mostly younger crowd. I figured "Hey, where have all the cowboys gone and I want to go get me a cowboy." and I did find someone. He looked a lot like Travis and that was one catch. The other catch was that he was partying with his friends who sounded like they were going to be out all night even after it closed right at 2:00am and I didn't want to be out so late and have to wait so long, so I just rather go home and go to bed. He had a really good approach though. I liked the way he threw himself on me and was a little aggressive. He tried to make out with me about the second song we were dancing too, but I just wasn't drunk enough to let myself not care like that. I was also paranoid that he could have had ecstasy or something in his mouth he could have wanted to trick me into drugging me with. I was just too much of an older mom. I felt bad because I didn't want him to feel embarrassed over the way I rejected his kiss, so I kissed him on the cheek. I still think Tequila cowboys is probably one place to go though if someone wants to get laid; it must be where all of the cowboys go. I didn't understand the other arbitrage there was with a Sidney look alike either. The cops were yelling at him and kicked him out of the club and he was arguing with them some over something for some reason. He kind of looked like a pimp and it could have been the cops pointing at Sidney with he was the one who threw a Travis look alike on me, but I'm not sure what it was all about. The scene was right in front of me when I was getting ready to go to the lot. I had no other choice to be slow and hesitant when I was walking behind the 3 cops who were yelling at him and walking in the same direction. They asked if I was with him and I said "No; is it safe to walk to the parking lot?" One coolly said "Yeah," and the other abruptly and quickly said "yes," like there was no threat at all. I did make to my car safely though without him approaching me. I didn't know what that was all about. Good lord, for my own sake, I'm just out to look for a cowboy at my own leisure. ....Still going to be working a lot this weekend but will make sometime for fun. Sunday is going to be funday because it is the one day I can't work at all. Casino, movies, good restaurant, and I plan on looking up some local trail for a walk. So much to do, whatever I have the time for anyway